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Researching Potential VPs, Journalist Dies of Boredom


Washington, DC: For months now, journalists around the country and the world have been entering hospital emergency rooms with complaints of headaches, nausea and a myriad of other symptoms,  and for months, they’ve tried to convince doctors, employers, or family members to listen.

John McCarthy, a journalist for the Tallahassee Democrat, died last night due to an apparent exposure to boredom derived from researching the Republican Vice Presidential nominees.

“An autopsy has been scheduled and we’ll know more once we have all the facts, “ Detective Patrick Pear said in a statement to reporters.

To some, this may seem like an open and shut case,  a classic example of the effects of boredom when not taken seriously.  To others, like Mr. McCarthy’s family and their lawyer, Brian Schuler, this case isn’t so clear-cut.

“A lot of people want to say this was due to natural causes, that most people die of boredom eventually,  but I submit that this was not just any garden variety, bargain barrel boredom.  No, we believe this is a case where the content and the subjects of the research ought to take some responsibility for what they are doing to journalists,” argued Schuler.

It is a claim that has been the focus of many editorials, blogs, tweets and updates for months.  Should the Republican Party take responsibility for the boredom their Presidential nominee is creating?  More pointedly, should the death of John McCarthy be investigated as a homicide?

“The idea that the Party should take responsibility for the actions of another person is ludicrous,” Republican Speaker and Vice Presidential hopeful John Boehner said.  “If anything, these journalists know what they are getting into when they accept assignments.  If a journalist gets shot in Iraq do you blame the war?  No, you blame the bullet.”

The Republican Party seems to have no remorse for the death of the journalist, going so far as to suggest that McCarthy’s death, if anything, isn’t a homicide but a suicide.

Some of the boring hopefuls for the Vice President position under Romney.


In case you’ve been under a rock or live in a state like Alaska, the focus around the Romney camp ever since Rick Santorum dropped out has become who will join Romney in the race for The White House.  Insiders say Romney is concerned about choosing a Sarah Palin-type who will most certainly give his campaign a jolt in the polls, but who may not be the person he wants standing next to him come November. Candidates like Santorum, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and Wisconsin Senator Paul Ryan all share this characteristic of someone who will certainly bring attention to the Party, but the question is, “What kind of attention?”

The alternative, however, is just as unappealing, and in some cases deadly. The McCarthys firmly believe it was this research that led to the death of their family member.

“Just look at some of these names,” John McCarthy’s wife Holly said as she read off the names from a list she found in John’s study at home. “Rob Portman.  Boring.  John Thune. Who the hell is John Thune? John Boehner?  JOHN BOEHNER?  The crying guy?  I feel sick just reading this.”

* Editor’s note:  This article was delivered unfinished due to the author and Mrs. McCarthy being rushed to the hospital.

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