Miami, FL: This week, Burger King’s ambitious new product line becomes available to customers. Going along with the release of the much talked-about sundae last week, the products are all variations on a theme. That theme? Bacon.
“People have certain expectations from our menu,” said head chef Charles McBacon, who recently changed his name to include his favorite ingredient. “Quality, taste and an ungodly amount of fat.”
Included on the new menu are items like the bacon lettuce salad which, unlike a traditional salad that forces customers to pick through layers of vegetables to get to the bacon bits, replaces the lettuce with what Burger King calls “leaf bacon”. This bacon, trimmed from a special breed of wide pig, resembles lettuce in everything except nutritional content. Also, instead of cherry tomatoes, there are balls of rolled up bacon. The whole dish is sprinkled with lettuce bits in an interesting inversion of the usual salad.
“We’re going whole hog with this menu,” Chef McBacon added, laughing for an uncomfortably long time. “We’re outdoing our competitors. You know the double-down? Well, we’ve got the bacon quadruple bacon-down.”
The bacon quadruple bacon-down is like the double-down, except it gives up the pretension of sandwich-ness that Chef McBacon felt was holding the brand back. The sandwich consists of bacon, bacon cheese and special bacon cream sauce surrounded by a two-inch thick roll of pork belly deep fried in bacon fat.
The most astonishing new item is the bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon, served in a meal with bacon fries and Coca-Cola’s experimental new bacon soda. The bacon-bacon-bacon-bacon is a truly experimental food experience, making use of the newest food-compaction technology. A half pound of bacon is condensed into four one-inch cubes, each of which is wrapped by another half pound of bacon and then stuffed into a large tube made out of bacon. The tube is perfectly sized to fit down an adult esophagus. The meal comes with a large metal compacting rod that has been lubricated by bacon juice.
“We’re taking bacon where it’s never gone before!” Chef McBacon said, laughing maniacally. “It’s a brave new world!”
Some critics have taken issue with the new menu. The American Jewish Committee released a statement against the additions, but retracted it when scientific evidence showed that the amount of actual pork contained within each item was so negligible, it was technically kosher.
National Action Against Obesity spokesperson, Mary McLean, expressed concerns about the nation’s youth. “Bacon is not a food group.” She was quoted as saying. These concerns will also likely be assuaged once a bill recently introduced in Congress declares bacon a vegetable.