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Lindsay Lohan Does Dick…in Liz and Dick

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The public is unsure whether this scene where Ms. Lohan is stumbling around is scripted or while the camera was off.

Los Angeles, CA: Lindsay Lohan, currently shooting Lifetime’s TV movie, Liz and Dick, reportedly is so determined to prove that she isn’t a drunk detriment to a film set (and herself) that she hid extensive injuries she sustained during her massive car wreck this past Thursday.  Amazingly, her alcohol blood level was 0.00—the same score on her driver’s license test.

Police reports at the scene noted, “Individual stated that the reason she crashed was that she was preparing for her next movie role: ‘The Jayne Mansfield Story.’”

In a prescient move six years ago, Ms. Lohan, knowing that she’d spend a lifetime bouncing off of windshields due to her lack of coordination and sobriety, installed two permanent air bags in chest.  These silicone accident stoppers helped her avoid serious injuries; making her able to continue “acting” in Liz and Dick.

The movie was originally called Dick and Liz, only for Ms. Lohan to balk, “Dick has never and will never come first in my lifetime—or in this ‘Lifetime’ movie!”

Indeed, there is no truth to the rumor that Miley Cyrus and Rosie O’Donnell will star in Sam and Linds, a version of Lindsay Lohan’s sapphic relationship with her gal pal Samantha Ronson.  When asked how Rosie intends to lose enough weight to play the svelte Samantha, she replied, “I just won’t eat anyone…uh…anything for a year.”

In an effort to pay future legal bills, Ms. Lohan announced that she is auctioning off the cellphone she was probably texting on while driving.  The texts are believed read: “God, is that an 18 wheeler truck ahead?  Man, it’s amazing what those Paparazzis will drive to get a good picture of me.  It sure is getting close…and closer…and closer.   I think I’m going to crash–from taking all those Percocets , Oxys and Valiums last night.  I better call my agent to get some more for me so—DELIVERY FAILURE”

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