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Bath Salt Dealers Rush to Save Face

1

Imagine being a businessman with a hot new product that practically sells itself.  Then, imagine that product taking a beating in the press and internet, rendering the product an extremely hard sell.

This is what happened after Jerome Singleton, drug dealer of “bath salts,” heard that a homeless man from Miami named Rudy Eugene ate the face of another homeless man under the influence of “salts.”

Mr. Slingleton noted, “Deee-amn!  How could someone eat a face that is so ‘homeless man dirty!’  At least he could’ve washed his food before he ate it!  And why did he f’ up my business such bad P.R.!”

A long time Bath Salts and rave fan, Sarah Lipstein, agreed: “Nothing spells no-sale for a drug then a report of an extreme act of violence after someone ingests the drug.  It’s bad enough ‘bath salts’ sounds like something Yuppies pour in a steamy bathtub as they wear cucumber slices on their eyes and mud on their faces.”

What makes bath salts are a hard sell already is that its initials is “B.S.”  Who wants to say, “Hey, man.  Got any B.S.?  I haven’t had any since I left my girlfriend.”  At least the initials for LSD, PCP and “E” are catchy—and even have a slight rhyming scheme going for two of the drugs.

Thanks to Rudy Eugene, there is no way “bath salts” will reach “drug of choice” stature—and therefore won’t be sold by future rap stars.  You won’t hear future rappers wax rhapsodic of getting rich from slinging “B. salts in the hood.”  Now, a rap song would be:

“Because of Rudy Eugene,

My Salts sales are weak,

Rudy filled up his tumm-ee,

By turning another’s cheek.”

Yes, cocaine will still be nose candy; while on Bath Salts, a nose becomes candy.

If only a celebrity had taken Bath Salts and reported on its positive effect.  It would be great if Ellen Degeneres announced on her show, “Ladies and gentleman.  I’ve been doing bath salts for years!  And on it, I eat out my wife—but not literally.”

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  • anonymous

    This is the stupidest, most ignorant, uninformed, careless, fucked up, dumb, false data ridden, non researched, dangerous because of lack of knowledge, amateur first assignment sounding, embarrassing to read a year after written article ever published on the subject. And no, I am not an advocate of synthetic drugs. But the writer of this piece has about as much competency on the subject as I do splitting atoms.

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