Cupertino, CA: This past month, the technology rumor mill has been cranking in anticipation of Apple’s latest legendary invention: the iPhone…5.

While the idea is plausible that the iPhone 5 would be released eventually, considering Apple’s dead-pan creativity with naming their products, iPhonophiles are hopeful that the future version will have features such as a SIM card slot, prettier docking plugs, having the properties of liquid, FLASH compatibility, and maybe, just maybe, a way to replace the battery yourself.

But that’s all techno-babble better suited for gadget sites. The real question is: who will be the spokesperson for the iPhone 5? While Steve Jobs’ body may be in an undisclosed bunker somewhere, ready to be unearthed with a new Apple product, a back-up plan must be enabled in order to explain the iPhone 5 to stockholders and society itself. Here are some of the rumored spokespeople, or spokesthings.


1) Ashton Kutcher

After becoming the unofficial celebrity of social media, shooting countless commercials for Nikon cameras, and replacing Charlie Sheen’s character as a technology wunderkind, Walden Schmidt, in Two and a Half Men, Ashton Kutcher seems the perfect spokesperson to praise technological advances in the iPhone 5, such as how pretty the power button is, how big the app icons are, and how his assistant can tweet with ease. He’ll probably look a lot better in jeans and a black turtleneck than Steve Jobs did, too.


2) Gilbert Gottfried

Maybe it’s just a reason to give him a job after the Twitter debacle that get him fired from AFLAC, but Gilbert Gottfried would have a lot to contribute as a spokesman for the iPhone 5. Besides a stage act that people won’t be able to ignore, Gottfried will also be able to infuse some irony in his presentation of the iPhone 5. This would help soften the antagonizing nature of iPhonophiles to the public, and make people who vowed never to get an iPhone, due to the need to go against the grain of popularity, actually consider it.


3) Mark Zuckerberg

Besides the fact that he may end up looking exactly like Steve Jobs in thirty years, Mark Zuckerberg has other Jobs-like qualities that would make him an easy replacement: he’s created an empire with computer technology, stepped on the toes of plenty of friends, and Facebook is like a social media Apple by how it buys up anything that has a whiff of competition.


4) Steve Wozniak

The next biggest name in Apple, even if he doesn’t technically work for the company anymore, and no stranger to being on-stage after a stint on Dancing with the Stars, Steve Wozniak could be the next face of Apple if he really wanted to: a chubby, unshaven face that shares the characteristics of many of Apple’s obsessed techno-fans.


5) Steve Jobs Hologram

Tupac was resurrected at Coachella using hologram technology, and Queen’s Freddie Mercury is set to be resurrected the same way. Why wouldn’t Steve Jobs be resurrected as a hologram to discuss the iPhone 5? Apple would only have to edit every other iPhone presentation Jobs did. Who knows, maybe the iPhone 5 will have holographic technology, which will be used to project Steve Jobs onto the stage. It would make more sense for Apple to do that rather than fix the iPhone’s battery issues.


6) A Potato

When all is said and done, it really doesn’t matter who the spokesperson of the iPhone 5 is. The phone is going to sell no matter what. Apple could realistically throw a potato on the stage next to a powered-up iPhone 5 and a thousand Youtube videos, a million blog posts, and an interview with MTV would probably pop up. They may be better off, considering the other choices.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

2 thoughts on “Rumors Emerge About iPhone 5 Spokesperson”
  1. Good to see that Apple may make use of the Nano by making the exhibition box into the iPhone 5’s SIM card slot.

  2. If Gilbert Gottfried was the spokesman, I would smash my Blackberry in a second!

Comments are closed.