Phoenix, AZ: The Our Lady of Tears baseball team forfeited a championship game against Arizona Sun Preparatory School this past weekend because the second base man for Arizona Sun is, in fact, a woman.
Phoebe Singer, 15, plays second base on the Arizona Sun baseball team because the school doesn’t have a softball team. Everyone—including the coach and other players—is happy to have her on the team.
“She’s a great player,” stated Arizona Sun coach, Todd Wickam. “She’s one of the reasons we made it to the championship game in the first place. It’s not like we stuck her out in deep right field instead of keeping a shortstop.”
The Our Lady of Tears school, however, is not so glad.
The two teams were to play against each other in an ACAA championship game. The Our Lady of Tears school, however, forfeited the game once they found out that Phoebe was on the team.
“It’s against school policy to let boys and girls play together,” said Our Lady of Tears administrator, Richard Moran. “It goes against our religious beliefs.”
The Our Lady of Tears School is run by the Society of Saints, a group of priests that broke from the Catholic Church in the 1980s because they didn’t believe the Catholic Church to be conservative enough. Along with believing women to be inferior to men, the Society also believes the earth is flat and Jesus was a white dude.
“It isn’t womanly,” stated Paul Adams, the baseball coach for Our Lady of Tears. “Young women should be taking home economics in school. They should not be in the field playing with balls. Leave the balls to the boys.”
The Our Lady of Tears baseball team agrees.
“I think she’s a lesbian,” stated Our Lady of Tears pitcher Ricky Peters. “Athletic girls are always lesbians. She should repent and go bake us cookies.”
“I just like playing baseball,” responded Phoebe Singer.
The Society believes Phoebe has ulterior motives.
“She’s trying to subvert the faith. She’s one of those feminazis,” stated Society representative, Father Benedict the Almighty. “We believe that women have no place in politics, religion, or athletics. They belong in the home, bearing children and obeying their husbands. Miss Singer is trying to make a statement, trying to convince other young women that it’s acceptable for them to do what they want.”
The championship game was scheduled for the past Saturday. After forfeiting, the Our Lady of Tears team spent their day “spitting, arm wrestling, peeing outside, crushing soda cans on their foreheads, and doing other manly things,” said Coach Adams.