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Ron Paul Unveils New Slogan: Restore America, Eventually


Lake Jackson, TX: In a press release today, the Ron Paul 2012 campaign announced that their slogan would be changing from “Restore America Now” to “Restore America Eventually” in order to reflect the new direction of the campaign.

A section of the press release is as follows:

“As the Republican primary heads into its endgame, it has become necessary to change strategy.  We believe that the word ‘now’ may be misleading,  so we have decided to change it to ‘eventually’ in order to reflect a broader, long-term aim of obtaining the nomination for Representative Paul.”

This segment of the press release needed heavy editing due to frequent typos and punctuation mistakes that have become a signature of Ron Paul’s campaign releases.  This is, at least, an improvement over the earlier releases, which were usually written on a typewriter and often suffered from ink smudges.

The campaign has undergone a number of changes as the race has gone on.  For one, the campaign originally did not have a website, due to Paul’s insistence that the internet was just a fad and that he wasn’t comfortable putting his information up online for fear of “internet pirates”.  When he finally was convinced, his first version of the website received so much traffic that it crashed and took down the rest of Geocities with it.  This was likely partially due to the number of animated flag pictures he had included on the site.

These technological problems caused further headaches for the campaign when Paul insisted his campaign not use cell phones due to concerns about brain tumors.

“It was awful,” said former campaign manager Bob McRuddy. “We had to make fundraising calls with rotary phones.  Do you have any idea how long that takes? And he would never remember our names.  He would just ask for the ‘Spanish one’ when he wanted to talk to our Latino issues correspondent.  He would call me the ‘fat one’.” Bob McRuddy appeared to be distressed by this admission. “It’s glandular, for Christ’s sake.”

The current campaign manager, Seth McGuldary, insisted that a lot of things had changed for the better since those times.  “And honestly,” explained McGuldary, “You get used to the smell of Gold Bond.”

Representative Paul himself gave a brief speech to reporters gathered at his campaign headquarters.  He decried those who were advising him that the race was already over by calling them “quitters” and “French”.

“Back in my day, campaigns used to go on for the whole term! Back then, instead of debates we would grease up the candidates and make them wrestle.  It was three rounds and the money made on bets went to feed orphans.  Those were the good old days!” Ron Paul’s talk lasted several hours and ended with a string of profanity and Paul shoving reporters away from his door screaming, “Get off my lawn!”

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