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Gingrich Concedes He Didn’t Really Want Nomination Anyway


New York, NY: In a press conference on Friday, Newt Gingrich revealed that he wasn’t really that interested in becoming the Republican nominee to run against Obama in November.

Apparently, pouting is allowed in the election process.

“It’s not about winning.  It’s about principles.” The former House Speaker was quoted as saying.

Gingrich has been hammering presumptive nominee Mitt Romney on his vague stances on important conservative issues.  This animosity between he and Governor Romney has lead to some incredibly personal attacks.  Gingrich, during the press conference, was heard proclaiming his opponent to be a “nerd” with “a stupid haircut”.

The Romney campaign could not be reached for an official response to this insult but, when confronted with it on the campaign trail, Governor Romney’s response reportedly accused the former Speaker of being glue and claimed that he was, in fact, rubber.

Gingrich’s decision to not want what he was never going to get surprised some as sudden.  Gingrich campaign aid John McScott insisted that this is not the case.

“I told him from the start, it’s not worth it, man.” Said McScott, “He deserves better, you know?”

Gingrich’s wife, Callista Bisek, vouched for her husband’s determination to not be determined anymore.  “He’s remarkably consistent,” Said Gingrich’s third wife, “Even when his ex-wife was in the hospital, he never broke a date with me.”

This concession, Gingrich asserted, had nothing to do with the massive debt his campaign was experiencing.  Neither did it have anything to do with the fact that the campaign seems to be moving on without him.  He made these points extremely clear to the three people attending the press conference.

There are many who have been doubtful of Gingrich’s chance of success from the beginning.  Some pointed to his sordid personal life.  Others pointed to his sordid professional life.  But overall, there was a general feeling that, for Gingrich, the nomination was out of reach.

“Seriously, it’s just out of his league,” Explained top political critic Katie McGrundy, “I mean, look at his jowls.” She went on to explain that there’s never been a successful president who had jowls.

Gingrich dismissed these aspects as having no bearing on his decision.  He described his campaign as a victory, despite his crushing defeat.  He explained that there were bigger projects out there and ones more suited to his particular set of talents.  During the press conference, he leaned forward, his jowls quivering with excitement, and said “After all, there’s always the moon.”

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  1. avatar

    Hah, tooshay. Snatching victory from the jaws of crushing defeat. That’s it, and the pout. My only regret is that we won’t have Gingrich to kick around any more. But, who knows, maybe his wife will get sick again, I certainly hope not, and anyway who edited the sixth sentence, Gingrich?

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