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St. Joseph, Baby Jesus’ Adoptive Father, Tired of Being Ignored


Saint Joseph's relatively unknown hit rap single.

Galilee, ISRAEL: St. Joseph, husband of Mary and adoptive father of Jesus H. Christ, wants to make it known that he is “sick and tired of being ignored.” According to St. Joseph, he is rarely mentioned in bible passages and hasn’t been prominently featured on a Hallmark Christmas Card since 1988.

“What a crock of sh*t,” said St. Joseph when interviewed by The Inept Owl. “It’s like people forgot all about me or something. I mean, hello, I basically raised Jesus. If it wasn’t for me, Jesus wouldn’t know a damn thing about carpentry. Hell, he would have been a goat herder like my cousin, Ezekiel. You think a billion Catholics would worship some damn goat herder? No freaking way.”

When asked to list reasons why he felt slighted, St. Joseph stated the following:

“Matthew gets mentioned more than me in the bible. Which is bullsh*t because Matthew was a punk.”

“Hallmark pretends I don’t exist. You never see me on a card these days. They think baby Jesus raised himself. Yeah, sure, Hallmark, good one – next thing you’ll tell me is that my wife was a virgin! Har har har, jerkoffs.”

“All I got out of this was Sainthood. Big freaking deal, man. Anybody can become a Christian Saint these days. There are, like, 10,000 of them. Did those 10,000 Saints raise Jesus? No, I did. So I should be King of the Saints.”

“I never got paid. I owe thirty million to various bookies and God hasn’t helped me win the lottery. Hey, God, throw me a freaking bone here, man. Because if you don’t, those bookies are going to break my bones.”

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