Kansas City, MO—Today a spokesperson for the NFL’s Kansas City Chiefs proudly revealed that they had made a major free-agent acquisition, only to realize they had signed the wrong player.
At a press conference this morning, Barry Werd, team spokesman, said, “As you know, the Chiefs have kept a large amount of salary cap space available to make a splash during free agency. This morning, I am here to announce that the Chiefs have signed the player that will lead them into the future, Mr. Peyton… Hillis? What the hell?”
After a brief break to confer with front office staff to verify the accuracy of his notes, Mr. Werd confirmed that the team had mistakenly signed former Cleveland Browns running back Peyton Hillis, rather than former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “To be fair, it’s a mistake any team could make,” stated Mr. Werd. “I mean, a 250-lb running back from the AFC North built like a fireplug and giraffe-necked quarterback from the AFC South? Who wouldn’t mix those two up?”
The team’s assistant general manager, Mike Blammo, accepted responsibility for the gaffe. “When I was told to ‘throw the bank at Peyton,’ I didn’t realize they meant that Manning guy,” he admitted. “I mean, I picked the guy who’d been on the cover of the Madden video game. The guy who actually played last season. How was I supposed to know they wanted Manning? Although in retrospect, that makes a hell of a lot more sense.”
When reached for comment, the newly-acquired Hillis told reporters, “I’m just really excited to be a part of such a great fran—what? They wanted Manning? Oh, screw those guys! As I proved in Cleveland, I can throw a football with the best of them, even with an injured hamstring. I can’t believe this! And now all this yelling is giving me a sore throat…”
On the other hand, Mr. Manning was more political in his response to the issue. He told one journalist, “I actually wasn’t aware they were pursuing me. But to be fair, it’s been hard to me to keep track of things lately. I mean, between the set of double-jointed triplets the Cardinals sent to my hotel room last night, and the two-ton block of cocaine that just arrived from Miami, things have been a little crazy. Plus, as you know, my family has been keeping me busy—having twin toddlers in your house is a handful, so their nanny is texting my wife and I constantly as we’re flying from city to city being wooed by these teams.”
Thankfully, the Chiefs are already setting backup plans in motion. They are scouring the free-agent market for other unsigned options, keeping an eye on other teams to see who might be cut loose after Manning signs, and trying to remember what quarterbacks they have on their current roster (league rumors suggest that Matt Cassel is still employed by the Chiefs, but that has not been confirmed by team officials).