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Bill Hinzman Terrorizes Pittsburgh


Pittsburgh, PA: Most noted as the first zombie of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead, camera assistant turned actor Bill Hinzman passed away Sunday at his Darlington, Pa. home due to complications with cancer. He was 75.

His daughter,  Heidi Hinzman, recently broke the news to the public. She later explained that Hinzman wished to be cremated. “He always joked if he got buried he would come back.”

Unfortunately that joke became more a reality than anyone could believe. Last night, Hinzman’s body disappeared from the Beaver County morgue. Local authorities believed the loss of the body to be a prank by local youths, or perhaps insane horror fans wishing for a piece of genre history.

The answer to the missing body came early this morning, as the corpse of Bill Hinzman was found in the streets of nearby city Pittsburgh, terrorizing and eating inhabitants on their way to work. The soon spread into a zombie apocalypse fit for film, as victims quickly turned into the walking dead themselves.

“At first I thought it was buzz-builder for World War Z. I recognized Bill Hinzman himself, but was unaware that he had passed away at the time,” explained University of Pittsburgh student and horror fanatic Clint Brady. “Then I saw my friend Margie Hamilton walking around like a zombie, and knew something wasn’t right. She hates zombie movies.”

Other residents of Pittsburgh witnessed the slow-moving creatures and violence as well, but shrugged it off as the ever present hangover of the Steelers not making it to the Super Bowl. “People have been mindlessly slugging about since we got Tebowed by the Broncos,” stated city resident Marcus Rutt. “That trauma could take months to overcome. Just ask the New York Jets.”

Authorities hope to eradicate the undead from the streets of Pittsburgh by the end of the day. George Romero and Tom Savini have both been called in to hunt down Bill Hinzman himself, hoping that he can be coaxed back to Darlington with promises of another movie role.

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