Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
It’s all but decided who our winners will be this year as our British bookie seems to be running away with the prize between the commentators. Luckily, no-one gave up on cracking a few jokes about the game.
Next year, we hope to be bigger and better, and may even fit some fantasy football in the mix. Good luck players! We will post all winners with ridiculous presentation speeches later in the week.
Sunday, February 2nd, 2012
New York Giants VS New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 3
So this is what it has all come down to. These two teams face each other like prawns on a chessboard, sorry, pawns on a cheeseboard. The mighty Giants versus the mighty Patriots in a mighty stand-off of mightily mighty proportions. One team will leave this arena as victors and take their place on the golden steps of adoration, basking in the unconditional love from their fans. The other team will exit out of a door in the back, through the sewers and avoiding any floating turds that may be snapping at their ankles. This is a cruel game, and no amount of preparation, sweat, forward planning or skill will ever get the upper-hand to Lady Luck, for when Mistress Fate and her pointing finger of misery are looking out for you, (some sort of special ‘eye-finger’ I guess ?), forcing you randomly to stumble or fumble ,then you might as well saddle up and get the bus home and tell that fat lady to stub out the Stogie because there’s no singing where she’s going and you should know because you’ve just come from there. And watch out for the turds. My Spider-senses are telling me to pick Patriots for this one, but I’m going to ignore that and go for the Giants instead, because in this game there can only really be one winner, and that’s me. My totally random picks this year have beaten the experts here at the Owl, which sort of proves my point…anyway Lard-ass, give us a tune !! Pick: Giants
This game is all about history repeating itself. The Giants receiving corps returns exactly… umm… let me check the box score here… zero players who caught a pass in the Super Bowl four years ago. Okay, never mind. On the DEFENSIVE side, where it matters for the Giants, the leading tackler from Super Bowl XLVI is… err, gone. And the second-leading tackler is…. crap. Gone. But at least Michael Strahan will be… in the studio. Okay, let’s try the Patriots. Hey, look! They still have Wes Welker, so the rest of the receivers must… oh. Be gone. But that was a great defensive team. Rodney Harrison, Teddy Bruschi, Richard Seymour, Junior Seau, Mike Vrabel, surely they all… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? All the talking heads are talking about a “rematch” for two weeks, and most of the players on both teams from four years ago are gone? The only thing consistent about this game is that Tom Petty will have been the halftime performer at both games.
I will say that my Super Bowl experience will be a rematch between me and alcohol. And this year, alcohol won’t be heaving over the end-line to hand me a last-second loss. More likely, it’ll be a blowout. Pick: Giants
So if you listen to the pundit,s the Pats don’t have a chance in this game. If you listen to the odds makers, they have slim chance. I think the way the pundits are drawing their conclusions is by looking at 2 games: the 2008 Super Bowl and this season’s Pats/Giants matchup. As everyone knows, the Giants beat the Pats in the 2008 Super Bowl. New England came off of an unbeaten season and looked to dominate the Giants. The Pats actually controlled most of that game until Eli Manning improbably escaped from pressure and David Tyree made an impossible catch that was so impossible he actually never caught another ball in the NFL. True story. Anyway, miracle finish and all that. This season they also played a close game that NY came out on top of. So why wouldn’t this game be the same? The Giants’ vaunted defensive line is, if anything, better than the 2008 line. New England had Randy Moss at wideout then; who do they have now? N0, he’s a tight end. Do you know who one of their CB’s is? A little Jewish WR named Justin Edelman. Giants in a blowout, right? I don’t think so. I do think it’ll be close but I think that somehow New England finds a way to win this game. I could be wrong. Both teams could have easily lost in their respective Championship games. But they didn’t. They deserve to be in the Super Bowl. Tom Coughlin is a good coach. Eli Manning has proven to be a very good QB. But Belichick and Brady could be feeling like this is their last really good shot at a championship together. With the ghost of Myra Kraft looming large over the Patriots organization, I believe they’ll find a way to victory. Pick: Patriots
Evil Peyton Manning:
The championship game for America’s current past-time is always rife with excitement. Whether the game is won by 3 points or 30 points, you can bet that people who don’t even watch football will be calling in sick for America’s unofficial federal holiday the Monday after. Is it because the talent levels of teams like the New England Patriots and New York Giants are so high that the anticipation is contagious? Is it because fans see Eli Manning finally coming out of his shell as a quality quarterback while Tom Brady seems to be slowly fading into his next life as a product spokesperson? Is it because the playoff runs of these two teams was nothing short of epic?
I think one question put forth to players of both teams by a news reporter sums up the focus of this Super Bowl in the eyes of the public: Can you name everyone in the cast of Jersey Shore?
Miss newscaster, you are deserving of a Peabody award. Pick: Giants
Rob Wheatley: 134-120
Darby Shaw: 127-127
Steve Elle: 122-132
Evil Peyton Manning: 122-132
T.O. : 140-114
Beta Boy: 128-126
Corrupted Clown: 124-130
Giants Chick: 113-141
Mike Marbles Francesa: 113-141
Angelicus Rex: 111-143
La Princessa: 13-241