Punxsutawney Phil Predicts More Winter: Pennsylvanians Stock Up on Sunblock

Punxsutawney, PA: Once again, our furry meteorologists have poked their heads out into the world for the sole purpose of telling us when to expect winter to be over. This time, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow at Gobbler’s Knob, forecasting 6 more weeks of winter. Pennsylvanians on location cheered, and proceeded to set up lawn chairs and umbrellas in order to begin preparing for the long winter.

The weather predictions of the Pennsylvanian groundhog have been correct without fail for 125 years, according to the highly impartial Punxsutawney Phil website, and this year could prove to be no different.

“Six more weeks of this winter? Sounds good to me. That means I’ll never have to close the golf course,” stated country club owner Bill Watson.

This recent prediction was further strengthened when last year’s prediction of an early Spring came to fruition.

As word of Phil’s prediction spreads across the country, residents have begun trading in rock salt for grass seed, skis for surfboards, and winter coats for bathing suits.

Still, one individual disagrees with Punxsutawney Phil: Staten Island Chuck.

The New York groundhog apparently did not see his shadow, predicting an early Spring, which would most likely bring about harsh snowstorms and freezing rain. Elderly residents of the state of New York have begun preparing for their annual move to Florida, although they may stay down south until early June due to the forecast.

Scientists are unsure which groundhog to believe, particularly when Staten Island Chuck seems to be perpetually tan.

“The fact is, we don’t know where these groundhogs go when they burrow into their holes,” explained Prof. Charles Honeycutt. “For all we know, they thought they popped out in Australia or Argentina, where the seasons are backwards. Maybe they got drunk in Miami last night and got confused. It’s hard to tell.”

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