Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks!
Things are coming down to the wire for all players, and much like our leaders, these games are really about seeing if the defense will hold up against late game heroics by Eli Manning and Tom Brady, respectively.
Sunday, January 22nd, 2012
Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 9
The playoffs are a weird time. Despite the fight for the championship intensifying, there are now only four teams’ fans who actually give a shit about the outcome of the games. The rest of us who support the other… however many teams there are, are just in it for the drinking and the chance to root against someone we hate, despite never having met them in our lives. For most of us, that guy is Tom Brady. Great, you went from an unknown late-round pick to Super Bowl-winning QB. You’re shattering records left and right. You’ve had sex with more fashion models in real life than I have even in my dreams. Oh, and you’re rich as hell. Your last two “down seasons” meant that you ONLY made it to the playoffs and didn’t win it all. If I met you and you weren’t surrounded by bodyguards, I’d punch you in the face. And then you’d probably kick my ass and scatter $100 bills all around me like Ted Dibiase. What a jerk. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
The football player known as T-sizzle will be attempting to fry up some tasty pasty white QB on Sunday. He will attempt to get Tom Brady to more closely resemble Jan Brady. The Ravens, with porn star Joe Flacco at QB will try to revive their surprisingly impotent offense. This will resemble a 70’s blaxploitation movie. So exciting! Pick: Patriots-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning:
The New England Patriots “F–K All Of You” campaign continues this weekend as they host the “Just The Tip” Ravens in Foxborough for a chance at the Lombardi trophy. While not confirmed, it is believed that Bill Belichick has plans to stick it to the rest of the NFL by whiting out “Lombardi” and placing “Belichick” in its place, cementing his claim as the best coach who ever lived. Ravens coach John Harbaugh hopes to give Belichick another trophy, one that is best attributed to the tea-bagging Ray Lewis hopes to perform on Tom Brady: The Sacko.
Well here we are, the Conference Championship Weekend. The weekend where we finally get to find out who is the Champion of the Conferences. I’ve always imagined a conference to be a large hall full of suits and Power point presentations, sales targets and management bullshit-speak. How exciting to think then, that at anytime, a horde of grunting animals in shiny helmets and shoulder-pads will come barging through, chucking a football about and generally causing untold mayhem. Look, there’s Melvin from Accounts, about to step up to present his thrillng and much anticipated lecture on “long term amortization and capital asset restructuring !’ (I’ve read it, it’s a humdinger.) It’s going well, so far, Melv has the crowd in the palm of his..OOh, now THAT’S gotta hurt. The audience go wild, Melvin goes to ER, and apparently, Mary from Human Resources goes like a train. Pick: Patriots-LOSS
New York Giants @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 3
The NY Giants are on a roll reminiscent of their most recent Super Bowl season. Unfortunately for the Giants, the Niners are on a similar roll. Something will have to give. All things being equal I think travel to the west coast could be a factor, but I still think the Giants find a way. Which would be great because then perhaps Eli Manning will be able to afford getting a haircut from a salon that has neither the words ‘Fantastic’ nor ‘Sams’ in it. Pick: Giants-WIN
New york giants @ San Francisco 49ers: This morning, I read an article… well, I read most of an article… in the local paper that talked about the “hard-hitting 49er defense” that practices in full pads “as often as the NFL allows.” Is this what we’ve come to? The definition of toughness is actually strapping on your gear and practicing a game like it matters? You’re talking about a team that had Ronnie Lott, who injured a finger making a tackle and said “Cut that bitch off, I can tackle with nine fingers.” This team used to go to Super Bowls and shut down Dan Marino and John Elway, and hand the Bengals their asses (granted, that wasn’t much of a challenge, but still). So congrats on your full-contact practices, you candy-asses. Maybe next seasons you’ll take tofu and sushi off the training camp menu. Pick: Giants-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning:
It seems that everyone except New Yorkers are preparing for the Giants to bring home the Lombardi trophy. Everyone on ESPN is drooling over Eli Manning more so than Eli himself ever has: drooling, that is. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has gone as far as to lobby for the Giants Super Bowl parade to be held in New Jersey, hoping that the green exit signs will confuse onlookers into thinking the New York Jets have actually won. Unfortunately, there are still two games to play, one of them being “Handshake” Harbaugh and the San Francisco Treats. The weather is crummy too, which leaves many wondering what the point of going to California is if not for the weather. Pick: Giants-WIN
Aaaargh, it’s a Giant. Like that old tv show, ‘Land of the Giants’. Luckily for the little folk in that show, almost every table in every Giant’s house had a cotton reel and a needle on top of it, really handy for escaping off a table. It would have been a lot less easy for them if it was set in modern times.
“Quick, we’re stranded on this f*****g table, look for a cotton reel and needle.”
“I found this iPhone.”
“Well what the f**k use is that ? Is there an App for abseiling down furniture ?”
“We’re f****d then”.
“I just found a great clip of a cat playing the tuba.”
“Oh f**k off.”
That’s the sort of thing, I just added some extra swearing there. like in “The Wire”.
The Giants clearly have to win this one, they’re just so much bigger than the 49ers. Pick: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 133-120
Darby Shaw: 127-126
Steve Elle: 122-131
Evil Peyton Manning: 122-131
T.O. : 140-113
Beta Boy: 128-125
Corrupted Clown: 123-130
Giants Chick: 113-140
Mike Marbles Francesa: 113-140
Angelicus Rex: 111-142
La Princessa: 13-240