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New Jersey Lobbies for Giants Super Bowl Parade to be Held on Turnpike


East Rutherford, NJ: A decades-long debate was reopened once again on Wednesday as New Jersey governor Chris Christie opened his big mouth without any intention of putting food in it.

Instead, Gov. Christie let loose his beliefs that, if the New York Giants win this year’s Super Bowl, the parade should be held in New Jersey, and not Manhattan’s Canyon of Heroes. “They play in New Jersey,” Christie said on the “Today” show. “They train in New Jersey.”

Some players, such as quarterback Eli Manning, even live in New Jersey.

Now even more New Jerseyans are lobbying for the Super Bowl parade to be held anywhere in New Jersey as a testament to where the New York Jets and New York Giants play, no matter what state letters precede their team names. The problem is figuring out where such a parade could be held.

“The wetlands were a possibility, considering there is so much of it around MetLife Stadium,” stated local New Jersey native Bryce Lincoln. “Then the environmentalists started squawking about ruining the ecomatogical system and stepping on eggs or something because of the crowd of people that would show up.”

Others have found more logical parade routes. “The New Jersey Turnpike was created for parades. Miles of open stretch without any merging problems, especially during the hours of 11pm and 3am,” explained state infrastructure theorist Buddy Rodgers. “And it runs right past the New Meadowlands. Hell, it has its own exit!”

Unfortunately, the wetland and turnpike parades seem to be the most logical, as New Jersey’s actual cities could never hold the audience that would show up for such an event. Others aren’t so sure. “All of these issues with traffic and ecological systems and city problems are completely unfounded,” stated sociology student Emily Brent. “No one goes to New Jersey, and no one would even go to New Jersey for a Giants parade.”

After being asked what he thinks about a Super Bowl parade being played in his team’s home state, Giants quarterback Eli Manning mumbled the word, “Jersey?” before going into shock. His status for Sunday’s game against the San Francisco 49ers is questionable.

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