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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 12-12-2011

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Aries

ARIES

You’re feeling more connected to relatives. Because of the constant writing of holiday cards, you’re probably feeling more connected to friends, co-workers, bus drivers, grocery store clerks, and your local garbage man as well.

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Socializing over food is a great way to get to know someone. You can learn a lot about how a person reacts to having a bowl of chowder shoved into their face.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

Being tight with money is not a bad thing. Everyone eventually loved Ebenezer Scrooge, even if it took 3 ghosts and the grim reaper to do it.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

You’ll have to work twice as hard to get half the results, but you won’t mind. you knew that would be the price you pay when trying to pick up dates at closing time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

Scientists perform experiments in controlled environments. Try to do the same, or risk releasing the zombie apocalypse.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

If someone asks you to help organize something today, you should jump at the chance…to jump out of the nearest window. Pancake socials are not for the faint of heart.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

If current projects aren’t challenging, just stick with them! Eventually you will screw something up that makes the projects more challenging than you ever dreamed possible.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

When you enter into a very familiar situation today, try not to control the group. Most of David Cronenberg’s scanners were extremely unhappy.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

Just because you and a friend have a conflict doesn’t mean that you are mismatched. It means you have a great sparring partner for MMA training.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Things change, and people move forward. If you don’t, you risk living in your parents’ basement wearing footie pajamas and heating cans of soup with a lighter.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

If something is broken, you must fix it right away and then get on with your life. This is especially true when it is your skull that is broken after running read-first into your front door.

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

Your creativity will allow you to have fun and get out of an unpleasant assignment. Even if you don’t get out of elephant cleaning duty, your creativity will make you think you’re in a Dumbo cartoon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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