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NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 14

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.

After a week from hell dodging bookies, here is our commentary for this week’s games!

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

VS

Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers by 15

Steve Elle:

I remember once as a youth (or ‘yewt’ as spoken in Brooklynese) when I first became interested in football, I was thumbing through a pre-season NFL magazine. Each team represented in the magazine had a representative icon based on their logo (Eagles, Lions, Bears, Dolphins, etc – most were quite evident and easy). However I remember two teams had puzzling “icons”. Yes, it was the Browns and the Steelers. Their iconography was weird. The Browns were represented by a small, leprechaunish looking Irish dwarf complete with top hat (seriously) and four leaf clover on his jacket; the Steelers were represented by a mustachioed, YMCA-ish looking gentleman wielding a hammer. As I was young, I missed the intended point of these strange little gay men. The Browns, I learned, were named after Paul Brown in an apparent fit of narcissism. The Steelers were named after the steel produced in that ugly town, Pittsburgh. Personally, I think a nice brown turd pile would better represent the Browns. As for the Steelers, perhaps a stainless steel dog food bowl. To wit, though the turd will easily fit into the dog food bowl, for our purposes here I believe the bowl will cover the turd in classic rock, paper, scissors fashion. Pick: Steelers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Browns-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-WIN

Darby Shaw: Browns-WIN

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Sunday, December 11th, 2011

VS

Houston Texans @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals by 3

Rob Wheatley:

 I threw my tv set out a week or so ago in protest at next year’s insulting BBC coverage of the 2012 F1 season, which means that my only source of World news has been the internet. Man, who knew..Alien invasion, the Mayan calendar, planet Nibiru and Debbie Does Dallas ! It certainly has been a real eye opener. I can’t think why these stories haven’t made it to the ‘serious press’, just because of a lack of any solid facts, scientific proof, or personal credibility from those involved. I call it sloppy journalism.  Anyway, back to the excitement of the game in hand..Pick: Bengals-LOSS

Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Texans-WIN

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VS

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 7

Rob Wheatley:

 In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight. As it happens, the Lion is often said to be one of the laziest animals on the planet, sleeping for almost two thirds of the day and only moving when it’s time for dinner. My God, haven’t these wildlife experts ever heard of Art Students ? I live in a University town, and the only way you can catch one of these flouncy types making any sort of movement is with time-lapse photography..unless it’s ‘last orders’ in the local pub, then they can put a Cheetah to shame. Pick: Vikings-WIN

Steve Elle: Lions-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Vikings-WIN

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VS

New Orleans Saints @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Saints by 4

Rob Wheatley:

 Aah, the New Orleans Saints..anyone remember the old song called New Orleans ? It goes “I said “hey hey hey hey yeah” (I said “hey hey hey hey yeah”)
I said “hey hey hey yeah” (I said “hey hey hey yeah”). Well, they certainly don’t write ’em like that any more, which is probably for the best, as ‘they’ would get done for plagiarism. Luckily for Neil Young, his twist was enough to throw the lawyers off the trail..”My my hey hey’ he sung, followed by “hey hey my my” , and who could forget the classic Big Bill Broonzy tune “Hey hey hey” which went ” Hey hey.  Hey hey, baby, hey. Hey hey.  Hey hey, baby, hey”. On second thought, they ALL write ’em like that, no wonder nobody buys my songs, I think I’m missing a trick there ! Pick: Saints-WIN

Steve Elle: Titans-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN

Darby Shaw: Saints-WIN

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VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Dolphins by 3

Darby Shaw:

Poor Andy Reid. For someone who has a reputation as being a quarterback guru, he’s done a pretty shitty job with… well, okay, everyone not named “Donovan McNabb.” But the real tragedy is this: when he gets fired at the end of this season, he’ll no longer have unfettered access to cheesesteaks. Look for this game to be a lethargic affair, with both coaches updating their resumes on the sidelines. Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Steve Elle: Dolphins-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Eagles-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-WIN

 

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VS

Kansas City Chiefs @ New York Jets

LINE: Jets by 9

Darby Shaw:

I’m really not sure what the Chiefs have done to piss off the football gods. After a rash of injuries, they turn to Broncos castoff Kyle Orton to save their season… and he promptly dislocates his finger. At this point, their streak of bad news is on the Jerry Sandusky/Herman Cain level. Except without the inappropriate touching (aside from the QB-center exchange). Pick: Chiefs-LOSS

Steve Elle: Jets-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-LOSS

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VS

New England Patriots @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Patriots by 9

Evil Peyton Manning:

This game is starting to be called “Sexy Bowl I” by women, men, players, and Dennis Miller. It should be quite a display, as quarterbacks “Sexy Rexy” Grossman and “Too Massexy” Brady are set to stage their own celebrity sex tapes with the opposing team’s cheerleaders in opposite end-zones. Flags will most assuredly fly. Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Redskins-WIN

Darby Shaw: Patriots-LOSS

 

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VS

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Falcons by 3

Rob Wheatley:

 Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats ! Yes folks, Panthro was a milestone in the history of African American animated feline based mythical beasts, which is shocking when you actually watch an episode and listen to how utterly atrocious the voice acting for that particular character was. I think Earl Hyman, the actor responsible for that part, as well as being known as Cliff Huxtable’s father in the Cosby show, must have taken his motivation as a two dimensional figure far too literally. In fact, calling his performance one dimensional is something of an insult to straight lines. It totally ruined what was otherwise a hyper realistic show, in fact it took me years to realize that Thundercats was not an outstanding piece of reality docu-drama. It’s a shame that there always has to be one who lets the side down. Pick: Falcons-WIN

Steve Elle: Panthers-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-WIN

Darby Shaw: Panthers-LOSS

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VS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Bucs by 1

Steve Elle:

This ratings winner, which should dominate the NFL news and punditry this weekend, pits two of the greatest coaching minds in all of sports: Raheem Morris vs. the new coach of the Jaguars whose name eludes me at the moment. The Jaguars’ plan is deceptively complex. Hand off to Maurice Jones Drew (MJD). When that doesn’t work, pitch out to MJD. If that proves problematic (and trust me, it won’t), dump the ball off to MJD. The Bucs D, which can’t catch a cold much less a top tier RB, plan to limit MJD to less than 300 yards of total offense [fingers crossed]. They have limited most other RB’s to less than 300 yards of total offense per game and when they haven’t, they’ve come “this close”. For the Bucs part they’re busy with criminal investigations and related items anyway, so they’re just glad Jacksonville is in the same state. Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bucs-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Jaguars-WIN

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VS

Indianapolis Colts @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 17

Evil Peyton Manning:

With the 0-8 quarterback Dan Orlovsky leading the Colts into Baltimore, Ravens fans were praying that management would keep Ray Lewis on the sidelines to make sure he’s at 100% for a real game. So far, they’re prayers had been answered.

In other news, NFL Magazine editor Mike Dunphy has chosen Peyton Manning to be the 2011 /2012 MVP of the NFL, saying what everyone on the globe wanted to say but refused to admit. Pick: Colts-WIN

Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Ravens-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Colts-WIN

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VS

Chicago Bears @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Broncos by 4

Steve Elle:

The Bears’ traditional Cover 2 scheme should work well against Timmy T and the Apostles. But with the big J on your side, anything’s possible. And though I assume that Jesus should have better things to do than watch and/or root for and/or manipulate the outcome of a football game, I could be wrong, in which case the Bears’ plan to win could very well be foiled by frogs. Yes, frogs, as in a torrent of frogs raining plague upon the field, probably only while the Bears try to pass. Grasshoppers too. Well, locust. Watch for locust on Sunday. Memo to Chicago Bears: the forecast calls for frogs and locust. Dress accordingly. And Godspeed. Pick: Broncos-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Broncos-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN

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VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: 49ers by 4

Darby Shaw:

It’s no surprise that the 49ers have wrapped up their division crown this early in the season. Remember that game earlier this season where they played a quality opponent and won decisively? That one where their passing game showed that they could play catch-up and win a shoot-out if need be? The one that really tested their ability? Yeah, me neither. Pick: 49ers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Cardinals-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Cardinals-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-LOSS

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VS

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 12

Evil Peyton Manning:

I don’t know what is more eerie, the normal hot-and-cold fashion of the Raiders drive by drive, or the similarity between Jon Gruden and Al Davis’ son, Mark. I’m not saying that Carol had an affair with a pre-pubescent Gruden. I’m just saying that gene-splicing and a little time travel may have had something to do with it. Either that, or Mark wears a Gruden wig for kicks. Pick: Raiders-LOSS

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Raiders-LOSS

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VS

Buffalo Bills @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers by 7

Steve Elle:

 The Chargers have begun their seemingly annual post season run. Every time it seems like Norv Turner has drawn his last breath as the Chargers coach, they go on a winning streak to end the season and get into the playoffs. Apparently that time is now. The continued self destruction of the Bills surely helps. Rumor has it that Chan Gailey, whose wife works for Lancôme, is going to discuss skin care products before the game with Turner. While this is going on a scheme developed by Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick to “borrow” plays from the Chargers (using a special spy cell phone camera that Gailey will be using to show Turner before and after pics and will be surreptitiously pointed at the Chargers’ play sheet) will then be used to hopefully give the Bills a leg up on the Chargers. And if this fails, they’ll simply try to outscore them. Pick: Chargers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Chargers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bills-LOSS

_______________________________________

VS

New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys by 3

Darby Shaw:

I remember when games between NFC East teams used to be interesting. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Steve Elle: Giants-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-WIN

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Monday, December 12th, 2011

VS

St. Louis Rams @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Even

Evil Peyton Manning:

 Sometimes I get the feeling that I am positively the worst at picking games. I’m under .500 on my picks, and half the time I lose big. But then I remember that there is one group of people that usually pick worse: the game selectors at ESPN for Monday Night Football, as they bring us such awe-inspiring games as this, the 2-10 Rams against the 5-7 Seahawks. Granted, they have to pick their games in April, but let me have this one spark of relevance.

The game line is even, and Marshawn Lynch is getting recognition again, which can translate into, “who really gives a space monkey’s ass.” Pick: Seahawks-WIN

Steve Elle: Seahawks-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Rams-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Seahawks-WIN

 

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RECORDS

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ANALYSTS

Rob Wheatley: 102-93

Darby Shaw: 95-100

Steve Elle: 93-102

Evil Peyton Manning: 92-103

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CONTEST

T.O. : 108-87

Obi-Wallace: 105-90

AmyC: 101-94

Beta Boy: 98-97

Corrupted Clown: 94-101

JMcG: 93-102

RickyB: 92-103

Giants Chick: 87-108

Mike Marbles Francesa: 87-108

Angelicus Rex: 80-115

La Princessa: 13-182

JohnnyO: 9-186

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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