Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
Our British analyst is still leading the pack, proving that picking lines is akin to throwing a headless chicken into a circle with one half saying “favorite”, the other “underdog.” Let’s see if it continues!
Thursday, November 24th, 2011
VS
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Packers by 7
Darby Shaw:
Remember how, for the last several decades, you had the excitement of “Oh, there are NFL games on Thursday!” mixed with “Oh, we have to watch the Cowboys win and the Lions lose”? You inevitably drank during the Cowboys game and slept through the Lions game. Well guess what, baby? The Lions are hot this year! They’ve got a winning record and a team that has a real shot at… wait. What’s that? The Packers? Oh. Never mind then. Pass the Jim Beam. Pick: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-WIN
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VS
Miami Dolphins @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 7
Steve Elle:
(courtesy of Evil Peyton Manning)
Here’s a history lesson for you: Texas was the last state to recognize the “fourth Thursday” rule for Thanksgiving that had been imposed by FDR. It is believed that the only way the Dallas Cowboys would recognize this rule was if they were given a Thanksgiving game every year. The Cowboys weren’t around then, but I’m sure Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had something to do with it anyway. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are enjoying a Thanksgiving tradition that does not have tanned, spikey-haired pilgrims in pink polo shirts dancing to dub-step with one fist in the air. They saved that for Thanksgiving Eve. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Cowboys-LOSS
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VS
San Francisco 49ers @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Thanksgiving is a time for family, a time where relatives and friends get together for the year to reminisce, laugh, and eventually throw handfuls of stuffing at each other from across the table while screaming about how they never appreciated them, culminating in a game of touch football in the backyard that eventually turns into full-on tackle to let go of the anger, followed by drinking heavily, and watching football. It’s only fitting that the HarBowl between Jim and John Harbaugh would be on Thanksgiving, reminding us that as insane as any family gathering may be, this game trumps them all. Look for a fist or two to fly during the post-game coaches handshake. Pick: Ravens-WIN
Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Ravens-WIN
Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN
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Sunday, November 27th, 2011
VS
Minnesota Vikings @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 10
Steve Elle:
(Courtesy of Evil Peyton Manning)
However bad the Vikings may be, they always have perennial runningback Adrian Peterson in their back pocket. He may not win them games, but he does make it interesting. Except this week, as an ankle injury may sideline him, causing fantasy football teams across the league to be forced to sign such hearty replacements as Jets fullback John Conner or Bills rookie runningback Johnny White. Pick: Falcons-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Vikings-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Vikings-WIN
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VS
Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 8
Darby Shaw:
Whether you realize it or not, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis is the most brilliant man in football. He has a losing record overall. He’s 0-2 in the playoffs. And yet somehow he’s held the job as head coach for eight and a half seasons. He loses often enough to have virtually no expectations from the fan base, but whenever he’s on the hot seat he throws together a winning season. That’s the same approach the Browns use, except they omit the “occasional winning season” part. Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-LOSS
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VS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 4
Steve Elle:
(Courtesy of Evil Peyton Manning)
Bucs quarterback Josh Freeman has a lot of hope. While he may already have 15 interceptions under his belt for the season, he has been inspired by the abilities of Tim Tebow, who hasn’t even attempted that many passes, but still manages to win games. This game may be the tipping point for both teams. Not to show that they can become a threat in the playoffs, of course, but to keep their fans coming so that they don’t receive the next blackout game. Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Titans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bucs-LOSS
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VS
Carolina Panthers @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Panthers by 4
Steve Elle:
(Courtesy of Evil Peyton Manning)
It seems that Steve Elle, in an apparent strike stemming from his selection to provide commentary for this game, decided to take a long trip, far away from the internet, to cleanse his soul. Either that, or he visited the Colts to remind them that grabbing Kyle Orton off the waiver-wire could hurt their chances at drawing the 1st round pick next year. The Panthers, meanwhile, have continued to malign game lines everywhere. Not winning games, of course, but merely playing better than anticipated, every damn time. Pick: Panthers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Colts-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Panthers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS
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VS
Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: EVEN
Rob Wheatley:
I don’t really do the whole religion thing. To me, a Vicar is a Rabbi is a Cardinal is a Bishop etc. They all strive to pass on the teachings of God in their own way and good luck to them. So when the UK version of OWS kicked off with its rather tiny ‘Occupy Saint Paul’s’ protest, I thought to myself that this would be a perfect opportunity for T’he Church’ to show its relevance in today’s society by displaying solidarity with the crew who’d shown up outside England’s most famous house of worship, the iconic ‘Saint Paul’s Cathedral’. Yep, so what actually happened ? The dude in charge of that particular house of worship shat himself and resigned..Gawd bless ya mate, Jesus would be proud ! Pick: Rams-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cardinals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS
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VS
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 8
Evil Peyton Manning:
While trying to get a rise out of the inconsistent Mark Sanchez, Jets coach Rex Ryan put in back-up quarterback Mark Brunnell for a few snaps with the starting team, stating that he’s o-k if Sanchez punches him in the face because of it. Luckily, this game is not on Thanksgiving, because with the accuracy of Sanchez, he may have missed Ryan’s face, hit him in the stomach, and would have been covered in Rex’s Thanksgiving dinner. Then again, there are left-overs…Meanwhile, the Bills have apparently lost every player not named Fitzpatrick to injuries, and have since raked the entire Harvard football squad of its players in preparation for the game. Pick: Jets-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Jets-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jets-LOSS
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VS
Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Texans by 4
Rob Wheatley:
Ok, so first let me wish all my American friends and readers a Happy Thanksgiving. You must be crazy to have such a huge event so close to Christmas.What were you thinking ? This week’s picks are brought to you in sympathy with the Occupy Wall Street movement, so here goes. Toxins vs Jugulars. UC Davis Police Lt. John Pike. Nuff Sed. Pick: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Jaguars-LOSS
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VS
Chicago Bears @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 5
Evil Peyton Manning:
Chicago just isn’t Chicago without changing quarterbacks at lest once during a season, and this year is no better as Caleb Hanie will be under center in place of Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who broke his thumb while proving he isn’t a total whiny wuss on the field. The Raiders have been there with the injury to Jason Campbell, however, they have replaced their quarterback with a total whiny wuss in Carson Palmer. Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Steve Elle: Raiders-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN
______________________________________
VS
Washington Redskins @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Seahawks by 4
Rob Wheatley:
Redskins ? Are you joking ? I thought we’d done all that pepper spray stuff in the Texans game. Apparently not. So as I wait for my trusty anagram solver to come up with somthing witty and appropriate, I’d like to assure you that normal service will be resumed from me next week. Just crude puns and filthy innuendos. No Political points to be made, no angry, shouty rants, just good old British smut. Yayyy Oh, here we go, relevant anagram at hand, this commentary brought to you by pepper spray and the crowds it’s used against. Awakes Herds Skins..Ouch, I bet it bloody does ! Pick: Seahawks-LOSS
Steve Elle: Redskins-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Seahawks-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Redskins-WIN
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VS
New England Patriots @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Patriots by 3
Rob Wheatley:
You Patriotic lot, doing your bit for your great nation. Peaceful protests designed to bring a little bit of fairness back into society. Sitting down crossed legs, linked arms, hope in your hearts and compassion in your souls. But what’s that in the sky ? It’s an Eagle. Not any old bird, but the proud and majestic Bald Eagle, symbol of America and freedom since 1782. But hey, what’s this ? It’s suddenly swooped from the sky and has started taking chunks out of the crowd, It may look like a Policeman weilding a baton, or a uniformed thug plastering faces with red hot chilli powder, but no..That’s YOUR Eagle, stretching its wings and stamping its feet in the name of…ermmm…in the name of, justice and freedom ? You’re havin a laugh , cos from here it just looks like a massive Turkey circling overhead ready to crap on your parade ! Very best of luck y’all. Peace. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw: Patriots-WIN
_________________________________________
VS
Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Chargers by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Denver Broncos recently waived quarterback Kyle Orton, since Tebow-Mania has now graced Denver with help from on high, putting Orton in the running for the record of most teams played with, currently held by Kyle Boller. Surprisingly, the San Diego Chargers did not jump on the waiver wire to get Orton, in an attempt to at least make Philip Rivers think twice about chucking a ball directly to a defensive back. While the Chargers have already lost to Tebow, it would stand to make sense that they would now know what was coming by the Broncos offense. Oh, that’s right, Norv Turner is still head coach. Nevermind. Pick: Broncos-WIN
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN
Darby Shaw: Broncos-WIN
_______________________________________
VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Steelers by 11
Darby Shaw:
Last week, backup Chiefs QB and Pauly Shore lookalike Tyler Palko put together a first half of football that made it appear as if the underdog Chiefs had a shot at competing with the Patriots. If it weren’t for the boneheaded INTs and the boneheaded penalties, the Chiefs might have gone into the locker room with the lead. Instead, both teams went into halftime, realized who they were, and the second half went as expected with Tom Brady handing the Chiefs’ asses to them. Pick: Chiefs-WIN
Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-WIN
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Monday, November 28th, 2011
VS
New York Giants @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 7
Darby Shaw:
You know how they say that, after a while, pets and their owners start to look alike? Last week, the Giants proved that the same holds true for head coaches and starting quarterbacks. Somehow, in the course of blowing a winnable game against the Eagles, the Eli Manning Face (you know, the one where his mouth is hanging open and he has a vacant stare) and the Tom Coughlin Face (shouting, angry glare) morphed into a singular expression of shock and dismay. Expect to see a lot of that look throughout the rest of the season. Pick: Giants-LOSS
Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Giants-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 83-80
Darby Shaw: 82-81
Steve Elle: 79-84
Evil Peyton Manning: 78-85
___________________________________
___________________________________
CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 88-75
T.O. : 88-75
AmyC: 85-78
Beta Boy: 82-81
JMcG: 80-83
RickyB: 78-85
Corrupted Clown: 78-85
Giants Chick: 75-88
Mike Marbles Francesa: 75-88
Angelicus Rex: 64-99
La Princessa: 13-150
JohnnyO: 9-154