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NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 11

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.

Our analyst from across the pond has taken the lead! Let’s see if our British bookie-setter can maintain it while still being unable to watch a whole game.

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

VS

New York Jets @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Jets by 7

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Tebow-Mania seems to have everyone praising Jesus, followed by a few choice words that wouldn’t make a PG-13 film. However, Jets fans know first-hand how great Mark Sanchez is at converting heathens to Christianity as well. He sure made a believer out of his coach Rex Ryan after refusing to eat up the clock at the end of the first half against the Patriots, a game which left all the fans in attendance wailing and gnashing teeth as if the End of Days were upon them. Now they will be a little closer to God as they play The Appointed One at Mile High Stadium and fight to stay awake…because of the thin air and lack of oxygen, of course. Pick: Broncos-WIN

Steve Elle: Jets-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN

Darby Shaw: Jets-LOSS

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Sunday, November 20th, 2011

VS

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Jaguars by 1

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Guess what? both of these teams have actually won 3 games this season. I know, it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Unfortunately, there was some sort of hope in Cleveland that the Browns would be slightly better than below average. Browns quarterback Colt McCoy has stated, “We should have won — more than once. You kind of scratch your head and wonder, `Where is all this bad luck coming from? Why?'”

It’s Cleveland, Colt. This is where bad luck goes to die. Pick: Jaguars-LOSS

Steve Elle: Jaguars-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Browns-WIN

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VS

Carolina Panthers @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 7

 

Rob Wheatley:

Well I almost choked..There I am, listening to ‘The Archers’, which is the longest running soap opera in the world, first appearing on BBC Radio back in 1950, and telling the everyday stories of simple country folk..when local odd job man ,Eddie Grundy, suddenly announces he’s about to go off and give his wife a pearl necklace. I almost choked. Luckily he immediately explained it was going to be his 30th wedding anniversary, so he had to buy a relevant present for the Missus. I almost choked. Anyway, Youtube isn’t working right now, so any research I was trying to do as to who would win in a fight between a Lion or a Panther, is off the schedule. The consensus, however, according to an online forum for Body Builders (??) is that “The Tiger will F**k ’em all up, though the Lion isn’t called The Lion King for nothing”. Well,  that’s just bloody marvelous..or would be if Detroit were playing the Bengals.. yer frikkin’ Meatheads ! Sort it out !  By the power of Greyskull, I am Picking The Panthers. Pick: Panthers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Lions-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-WIN

Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN

 

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VS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 14

 

Steve Elle:

The listless Packers would seem to be overmatched by the ‘youngry’ (young and hungry) Bucs, who have been scoring TD’s at a record pace and basically demolishing every team that dare oppose them. However back on planet Earth the naive, weary Bucs, not just ‘youngry’ but also ‘yorrible’ (young and horrible), ‘yugly’ (young and ugly) and yembarrassing’ (young and embarrassing) have about as much chance against the Packers as the Rams had against the Saints a few weeks ago. Hey… Pick: Packers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bucs-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Bucs-WIN

 

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VS

Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Dolphins by 1

 

Steve Elle:

What was shaping up to be another notch on the belt for Bills QB, Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick (did we mention that he was a Harvard grad? – that seems to be a prerequisite every time you utter his name) may now be a bit more competitive. The Dolphins, heavily invested earlier this season in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes now seem to be in the running for some other player due to their shocking recent wins. Their attention now shifts to either Matt Barkley or Landry Jones. The Dolphin marketing department, looking for some other kind of media hook, is working overtime on a new slogan. So far they haven’t had much luck with Barkley (Reggie Bush, alpha metrosexual did come up with ‘Sparkly for Barkley’) and have only come up with ‘Cojones for Jones’ for Landry Jones. Fingers crossed. Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bills-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bills-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Bills-LOSS

 

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VS

Oakland Raiders @ Minnesota Vikings

LINE: Raiders by 1

 

Darby Shaw:

At 5-4, the Oakland Raiders are currently the cream of the crop in the AFC West. Or at least the turd floating atop the piss-filled punchbowl. I haven’t seen four teams fighting so hard NOT to be the division leader since… well, every season the NFC West has played since about 2000. But I digress. The NFC North, on the other hand, is all but locked up; the Vikings bent over, spread ’em, and gave Green Bay another big win. Soon the talking heads will begin discussing an undefeated season, which will ensure an early playoff exit for the Pack. Pick: Vikings-LOSS

Steve Elle: Vikings-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Vikings-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-WIN

 

 

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VS

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Cowboys by 8

 

Rob Wheatley:

Red Skin is generally caused by one of two things: Allergens or irritants. An Allergen is something that you are allergic to, for example Horses, Oxygen, Urine, Tin. An irritant is that prick who sat opposite me on the train from London at the weekend and whose bastard phone kept going off with an overly loud and long lasting ringtone. Incidentally, the reason it’s called a ringtone is because, as a result of my irritation, the next time he goes to answer it, he’s gonna  have to pull it out of his arse first. Sensible solutions for happier commuting.
I’ve just realized that this match-up of Cowboys and Redskins is also very nearly half of a Village People music video. As you were. With one eye shut and one hand tied behind my back, I pick Cowboys. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Cowboys-LOSS

 

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VS

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 7

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

At the beginning of the season, I chose this game to be my first visit to the home of the Baltimore Ravens. I figured it would be an easy game: the Ravens would roll over the Palmer-less Bengals, no-one would care, and I’d get relatively cheap seats. Joke’s on you, Mr. Ticket-Seller.

Oh, still no-one cares? Well I’ll show you…while I wear my Ravens’ Todd Heap clearance jersey and one of my friends keeps listening to the Bills game while the others figure out how quickly we can drive home to see the Giants/Eagles game. Pick: Bengals-WIN

Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN

 

 

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VS

Seattle Seahawks @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Rams by 1

 

Steve Elle:

Wow, what a matchup! Steven Jackson has been playing well lately even as he struggles to get 100% healthy (which he’s been trying to do since high school). No such luck for Sam Bradford, who needs some grown up man pills. The Seahawks have reportedly assembled the appropriate number of players but I don’t know who they are. Just kidding, Jim Zorn is a fine QB and Steve Largent – that honky can catch! Pick: Rams-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Rams-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Rams-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Seahawks-WIN

 

 

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VS

Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: 49ers by 10

 

Darby Shaw:

How is it that rookie head coach Jim “Don’t Call Me John” Harbaugh is playing with basically the same shitty roster that Mike Singletary had, yet is running away with the NFC West and sportscasters are saying (with a straight face) that they might be the second-best team in the NFC? Well, for one, Jim Harbaugh hasn’t pulled his pants down in the locker room, as far as we know. That goes a long way towards instilling confidence in your team. And second, look at their schedule. I’m pretty sure my junior high football team would be at least 7-3 with that schedule. Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Cardinals-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN

 

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VS

Tennessee Titans @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Falcons by 7

 

Darby Shaw:

Did you know that 48.7% of the quarterbacks in the NFL are named “Matt”? It’s true, check it out: Matt Hasselbeck. Matt Ryan. Matt Schaub. Matt Leinart. Matt Stafford. Matt Cassel. Matt Moore. Colt MattCoy. Matt Millen. Clay Matthews. Mathias Kiwanuka. Wait, what? Where am I? Why am I sitting in front of the computer with no pants and an empty Jim Beam bottle? Umm… Tennessee wins? Pick: Titans-WIN

Steve Elle: Titans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-WIN

 

 

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VS

San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Bears by 4

 

Rob Wheatley:

I must be slipping. I’ve written two out of my three picks this week and haven’t even opened a beer.. hang on…(runs to fridge, and back) Aaaaah, cheers !  God, that tastes good, let me just have another quick sip, right..Ooh, that hit the spot, and. Blimey, that didn’t last long, hang on (runs to fridge and back) Ahhh, cheers, it’s a , oh wait, slurrrp, GOD that tastes so good, the second, oh sorry, hang on, (runs to fridge and back) third tin, aaah, always is best and , aaahhhhhhh, slurrrrp.. Hang on (runs to kitchen and brings fridge back with him),  now. Football. Sluuuurrrrrrp, Aaaaaahhhh,  Bloody football !!  Isn’t it ? And, ooh, hang on…slurrrrrp,,,aaaah, hang on, (runs to kitchen and returns looking confused ) some f**ker’s stolen me fridge… etc. etc. until Sunday or thereabouts.  Due to alcoholic intake, I pick Bears. Pick: Bears-WIN

Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN

 

 

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VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants by 5

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

People are always so quick to criticize Bill Belichick for looking like a sloppy old man that just rolled out of a cardboard box in order to coach a football game. I’ll take it. It’s better than having random strangers hand your coach a monkey wrench and a plunger and sends you to the maintenance room every time he shows up to coach a football game. With the choice of playing a hobbled Vick, headcase Vince Young, or some guy named Kafka that they drafted 2 years ago at quarterback, he might as well get cracking on those toilets.

In other news, Giants receivers were once again found at a club late at night where gunshots were fired. This time, no-one injured themselves. Pick: Giants-LOSS

Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Eagles-WIN

Darby Shaw: Giants-LOSS

 

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Monday, November 14th, 2011

VS

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 15

 

Darby Shaw:

Last week, the Chiefs lost the last remaining player with any talent, QB Matt “Don’t Call Me Matt” Cassel, to a season-ending hand injury. Which is a relief, because now he doesn’t have to lose embarrassingly to his former team, the New England Patriots. Instead, he can get on his cell phone and chat with Tom Brady, whose day should be over sometime in the 3rd quarter, when he will have already compiled 500 yards passing and 8 TDs. Pick: Chiefs-LOSS

Steve Elle: Patriots-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-LOSS

 

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RECORDS

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ANALYSTS

Rob Wheatley: 75-72

Darby Shaw: 74-73

Evil Peyton Manning: 70-77

Steve Elle: 70-77

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CONTEST

Obi-Wallace: 80-67

AmyC: 77-70

T.O.: 80-67

Beta Boy: 74-73

JMcG: 73-74

RickyB: 70-77

Corrupted Clown: 64-69

Giants Chick: 67-80

Mike Marbles Francesa: 67-80

Angelicus Rex: 56-91

La Princessa: 13-134

JohnnyO: 9-138

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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