Tim Tebow Converts Entire United States to Christianity

| November 16, 2011 | 0 Comments

Denver, CO: The professional football life of Tim Tebow has not been an easy one. Everyone, including towel boys, can throw better than him. His stats are running back-option worthy. His rookie contract only garnered $9.7 million over 5 years. He has been ridiculed by fans and players for his religious tendencies, both on and off the field.

Fortunately for Tebow, it was never his intention to be the best quarterback in the league, or even very good. “I’m not here for myself. I’m here to spread the words of Jesus, and to that end I think I’ve been pretty successful,” explained Tebow.

Yes, number 15 has spread the word of Jesus throughout the great nation of the United States, as both fans and rivals of the Denver Broncos continue to convert to Christianity with each and every play that has Tim Tebow under center. It began in the draft of 2010, as every scout in attendance of the quarterbacks combine muttered “Jesus” every time Tim Tebow took to the field. The entire state of Colorado than began saying the Son of God’s name when they learned that the Broncos would be giving up their second, third, and fourth round draft picks to move up in the first round to attain him.

The 2010 season slowed down the conversion process, as Tebow was kept on the bench most of the time. This season, however, conversions to Christianity picked up at a lightning pace. The first major conversion happened against the Miami Dolphins as, down by 14 with a little 5 minutes to go, Tebow drove the Broncos down the field twice for touchdowns and a 2-point conversion to force an overtime and ultimately won the game.

“I didn’t even see that game,” stated Packers fan Marlon Thomas. “i just saw the highlights, dropped to my knees, and screamed ‘JESUS’ as loud as I could!”

About half of the nation had been converted to Christianity after that game, but that wasn’t enough for Tebow. The second half of The Great Conversion happened this past week, as Tim Tebow rallied the Denver Broncos to defeat the Kansas City Chiefs 17-10 while only completing 2 out of 8 passes for 69 yards for the entire game. In fact, Tebow did not complete a pass for the whole first half.

“I do not understand this American football,” stated local New Yorker Abdul-Azeem Mahenajad. “But when I was explained how this Tim Tebow plays, I slapped myself in the head and yelled, ‘Jesus!’ It just came out. I couldn’t help it!” It is unknown if Abdul-Azeem will be changing his name to John Smith in this apparent conversion from Islam to Christianity.

It may seem that Tim Tebow has completed his duty to God, but that isn’t how the head-scratching quarterback sees it.

“There are still a lot of people in the world that don’t know what American football is that have not accepted Jesus Christ into their hearts,” explained Tebow. “But I plan on playing even more ridiculously horrible so that even those people will hear and praise His name.”

Written by Patrick AE

Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man…. When he isn’t writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from bloodthirsty seals, and other activities that could be truths or lies, he’s probably writing at The Critics Den, Sports Jeer, or CBS’ Man Cave Daily.

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Category: Sports

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