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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-15-2011

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Aries

ARIES

You’ll be looking great but not feeling great today. Just goes to show you that drinking paint thinner will make you lose weight in the worst possible way.

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

Keep all of your private things private today. Whipping it out in public will make you a sex offender, just like Jerry Sandusky. At least, on paper.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

Watch for role reversals in family dynamics today. Adults may behave childishly, children may act responsible, and Fred Savage way get the tap for a remake of Vice Versa.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

Feeling out of sync with loved ones? To stay connected, you need to open up more. Nothing helps syncing more than two people who’ve never tried role-playing dressing up as kinky medieval royalty and playing “hide the dragon”. It’s all about teamwork.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

You are feeling a deeper sense of control over yourself and your situation. Don’t take it too far, tho. You still can’t levitate things with your mind.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

The energy of others will nourish you today, especially the energy of women. Especially women named Bella. Especially if you’re a glittery vampire with uneasy feelings for a guy that runs around with his shirt off. I predict a movie is coming out soon…

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

You can’t avoid disruptions to your routine today. You can, however, stay in bed and choose your own disruption.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

You should be able to get people to see your point of view in almost any argument. As always, the problem will be getting them to agree with you without tying them up and locking them in your basement.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

Stand your ground in a negotiation, no matter how charming the other person is…or how ridiculous you sound. Especially if you’re negotiating in the NBA.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Be prepared for others to overreact to a somewhat startling revelation. not everyone can handle the fact that you like to ride old-time big-wheel bikes while wearing a french-maid outfit and a gorilla mask. Us guys do strange things.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Monitor your reactions today. Set up lots of video cameras in your house, and spend your only waking hours watching them over and over again. Introducing Paranormal Activity 4

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

Romantic love isn’t the only type of love. You can always try clown love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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