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Horrible Halloween Horoscopes: Week of 10-31-2011

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Aries

ARIES

You need to slow down today — you’re leaving too many important people behind. Take a page from Michael Meyers and Jason Vorhees: slow and steady leaves nobody behind…alive.

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

You’ve developed a deep understanding of a sticky situation and can solve it today.

Don’t.

Lemarchand’s puzzle-box is not to be trifled with.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You need to try new things today in order to make a difference. If that means hooking people up to torturous devices in order to help them appreciate life for a few painful seconds while taunting them with a clown-puppet on a tricycle, so be it.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

Your sense of balance is slightly disturbed today, which could mean that you need to deal with someone who’s off-putting. Just be sure that your building’s incinerator is on today before dumping the body down the garbage chute.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

Try not to bore others with details about your new heath regime. They’ll resent it. Especially while you are seasoning them before popping them in the oven for your family’s blood feast later tonight.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Your love life could use a boost, and this is the perfect night to make it happen! Just go out there during your pizza delivery job, kidnap a fine lady, dress up in that baby blue tux, and take her to your own personal prom.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

It’s time for you to go exploring places that are foreign to you. Just be careful of strangers that want to bring you to a party out in the middle of the rainforests of Brazil.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

An exciting new relationship is growing in your life. Unfortunately, it is the eye of darkness given to you by a claymation demon, and it is on the palm of your hand. Hellooooo ladies…

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

Watch for transitions today — they will provide you with an unusual perspective, especially if you get sucked into a television and have to lead Fred Phelps into the light in order to get rid of him forever.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Your energy levels never seem to lag today, and you should find that you are able to get as much done in 24 hours as a normal person could do in a week. Unfortunately, you may not be able to do anything in direct sunlight for 12 of the day’s hours.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Your energy is a bit dissipated today. don’t worry, a leisurely, lurking walking around the neighborhood and some flesh, and you’ll be right back to full energy…in order to leisurely lurk around some more and eat flesh.

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

Ask questions — your queries could help other people remember important things. Especially if they are suffering from split-personality disorder and one or more of their personalities are sociopathic or downright homicidal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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