Los Angeles, CA: The father of Lindsay Lohan can be called many things: child-star coattail rider; drug addict; Lawn Guyland scum dumpster; Z-list celebri-whore. Finally, after the latest Lindsay-Tracker event, he can be called what he always wished to be: father of the year.
The decision came late Saturday evening after intense research of the latest non-nude pictures of Lindsay Lohan, followed by incredulous research into how her estranged father, Michael Lohan, told interviewers that, “She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth.” Mr Lohan then indulged in some sort of smoked item on-screen before continuing.
While calling your children out for their faults in the spotlight for your own publicity is normally not in line with good parenting, the American Society of Family Psychology decided to create a Father of the Year Award to present to Mr. Lohan in the hope that he would be receiving what he’s been crying out for all these years.
“It is our belief that Michael Lohan is suffering from offspring resentment due to Lindsay’s success, so he tries to grab as much attention as possible to get her to notice him,” explained Dr. Phyllis Alistaire. “Maybe calling your daughter a dirty crack-whore isn’t the best way to go about it, but it’s the only way it makes sense.”
“It makes sense,” continued Dr. Alistaire. “Michael Lohan has been trying to get on-screen as much as possible. He got screen-time on Celebrity Rehab, whereas Lindsay has been in movies. He followed up Lindsay’s failing music career with his own failed attempt at a Tom Jones cover album. After the alleged Lindsay Lohan sex tape, Mr. Lohan allegedy taped himself have sex with the first guy he found. These are all direct signs of offspring resentment.”
Not to be outdone, Lindsay’s mother Dina is allegedly shopping the idea of a Lindsay memoir, or obituary after being confused about Lindsay’s work in a morgue, to publishers nationally.