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NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 6

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email ineptowl@gmail.com with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.

Many teams are going through surprise turmoils, and with the NBA still in lock-out and no-one caring about baseball playoffs, the only sport you may care about is hockey. We’re sorry for that.

Sunday, October 16th, 2011

VS

Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Falcons by 4

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

The Cam Newton experiment seems to be working, as the Panthers have managed to lose 3 out of 4 games while putting 21+ points per game on the board, and winning their only game by putting up 16. Panthers Coach Ron Rivera plans to keep in step with this mentality by replacing his entire defense with draft picks next year. If that means emptying out the supplemental draft for a starting linebacker, so be it. The Falcons, however, have continued their plan to go 8-8 with their win-loss-win-loss schedule. Using this algorithm, since actual football match-ups seem to be as useful as an asshole on my elbow, I predict the Falcons will prevail, while the Panthers put up 40 points. Pick: Falcons-WIN

Steve Elle: Falcons-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Falcons-WIN

Darby Shaw: Panthers-LOSS

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VS

Indianapolis Colts @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals by 7

 

Steve Elle:

Quite unexpectedly, this game has potential to be one of the best games of all time. I should stop right there and leave this game’s mystique shrouded in mystery, but alas, I cannot lie. The Colts, who have operated with a veritable deus ex machina at QB for the last 13 years, now have a QB named Curtis, or failing that, a QB named Kerry. Neither one of these guys can do what Mr. Machina could. Quite ironically, the Bengals are also without their longtime QB and are relying on a red haired QB named Andy to lead them to the promised land. Neither of these teams are going to the promised land, but the Bengals can pretend for one afternoon. Pick: Bengals-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS

 

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VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 5

 

Darby Shaw:

This is easily the worst game of the year, with the 1-4 49ers taking on the 0-5 Lions in a… what the hell do you mean, backwards? I didn’t get it backwards. I’m not dyslexic. I’m a well-educated man who’s been a football fan all of his life, and there’s no way San Francisco and Detroit only have one loss between them. Next you’re going to tell me that the Buffalo Bills are wi… oh, for fuck’s sake. Pick: Lions-LOSS

Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Lions-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN

 

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VS

St. Louis Rams @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 16

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

It’s been a while since a spread was this big. It’s hard to tell if Vegas thinks the Mister Rodgers and the Packers are that good, or the Rams are that bad. It certainly can’t be the injuries. After coming off a bye week, there’s only one player questionable for the Rams as they try to fit his name on the back of a jersey: Hoomanawanui. Pick: Rams-LOSS

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN

 

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VS

Buffalo Bills @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants by 3

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

With the New York Jets all but out of contention, the battle for New York may come down to this game. In case you didn’t know, yes, Buffalo is in New York. In fact, it is the only NFL team currently located in the state of New York. While these teams have a multitude of match-ups, the most leering comes from each team’s starting quarterbacks, and what each has that the other does not: Eli Manning has a Super Bowl ring and the facial hair of a 13 year old; Ryan Fitzpatrick has a Harvard Alum ring and is bringing back the most divine beard in all the land. I vow not to shave until this game claims a victor. Pick: Bills-WIN

Steve Elle: Bills-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bills-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bills-WIN

 

 

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VS

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers by 13

 

Rob Wheatley:

I am writing this while peering through a deep, dark hangover that I seem to have picked up somewhere yesterday. Yes, I drank too much, then had some more to drink. Yes, I smoked too much, and then rolled another five. Yes, I didn’t really eat properly, and then went without dinner cos I couldn’t stand up long enough to make any. But where this hangover came from is still something of a mystery..maybe I ate some dodgy fish somewhere along the way, yeah, that’s probably it then.  So as I shuffle among the huge pile of empty bottles and try to keep my eyes as tightly shut as possible, just in case the sun should get through and kill me, I really have no idea who is gonna come out on top in this game, and to be honest, I just don’t care. Just as long as they do it quietly ! Pick: Steelers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Jaguars-WIN

Darby Shaw: Jaguars-WIN

 

 

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VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Eagles by 2

 

Darby Shaw:

Eagles head coach Andy Reid is taking heat this week for moving former offensive line coach Juan Castillo to defensive coordinator. To be fair, though, Castillo played on defense in high school and college, and coached defense at the high school and college level. So, really, the stupid move was the Eagles hiring him as an offensive coach in the first place. Pick: Eagles-WIN

Steve Elle: Eagles-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS

 

 

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VS

Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Raiders by 7

 

Darby Shaw:

Last week, the Oakland Raiders won an emotional game against Houston following the death of their owner and Crypt Keeper lookalike Al Davis. In an unrelated story, Browns fans have placed a million-dollar bounty on the head of their owner Randy Lerner and have already scheduled a memorial for Saturday afternoon. Pick: Browns-WIN

Steve Elle: Raiders-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Raiders-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-LOSS

 

 

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VS

Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 8

 

Rob Wheatley:

Back in the early part of the twentieth century, almost every household had their own Raven to assist with chores. The Raven is particularly useful when employed as a feather duster. No need to kill or pluck these black beauties, just grab hold of their feet and swing in an upward fashion towards the nearest high shelf. The Raven hates this and goes into an instant blind panic, squawking and flapping like a crazy fool. Its large beating wings throw the dust into the air, settling eventually all over the Raven. Because of its black feathers, it is very easy to spot when all the dust has been transferred from the shelf to the bird, and then it’s just a matter of shaking it violently outside to remove most of the dust, while anything that is left still clinging can be washed way with a strong jet of boiling water. The Raven will then stop squawking once it has enough. Pick: Texans-LOSS

Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-WIN

Darby Shaw: Texans-LOSS

 

 

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VS

Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 7

 

Steve Elle:

This game will be competitive. The Cowboys had their bye week, which gave their ailing wideouts some well needed rest and rehab. That could be the difference in this game. Tony Romo is an exasperating QB. He seldom has two good games or poor games back to back. This bodes well for Sunday after the embarrassing loss to the Lions. Of course, the Pats are playing, too and playing well. The fact that this is a home game gives the Pats the edge. Plus Tom Brady’s girlfriend is cuter than Romo’s. And his wife is too. Pick: Cowboys-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-WIN

Darby Shaw: Patriots-LOSS

 

 

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VS

New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Saints by 5

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Some would say that Tampa Bay’s Josh Freeman looked to be an up-and coming elite quarterback last year. Some would say that this was the year that the Bucs returned to playoff contention since the days of Mike Alstott. Some would say that the Saints may be suffering from a second-year Super Bowl hangover when fighting for a come-from-behind victory against Carolina last week. Some say that Santa Claus exists, and lives in the lost city of Atlantis, found at the bottom of the Arctic Circle. Pick: Saints-LOSS

Steve Elle: Saints-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bucs-WIN

Darby Shaw: Saints-LOSS

 

 

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VS

Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Bears by 3

 

Rob Wheatley:

It’s ironic that these two teams should be facing each other across a football field, because once they were more likely to have been sharing the same marital bed ! Yes folks, the Vikings were traditionally such a hard bunch of utter hard-arsed Mo-Fo’s, well trained in Pillage, taught to rape themselves at an early age , able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and generally unparallelled at general ‘Vikage’, that they often had difficulty finding a partner who was ‘Woman enough’ for them. They then struck on the idea of having sex with bears: they liked the roughness, the lack of small talk and of course the huge expanse of body hair. For the bears’ part, well they got to wear a pointy hat, so everybody died happy. Pick: Bears-WIN

Steve Elle: Vikings-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN

 

 

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Monday, October 17th, 2011

VS

Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets

LINE: Jets by 7

 

Steve Elle:

The Jets have discovered the perfect antidote to their 3 game skid mark: the Miami Dolphins. There’s no Wes Welker on this team, though there used to be. There’s not even a Chad Henne anymore. The Dolphins would have a hard time beating LSU right now, which means they actually have a chance against the woeful Jets. Mark Sanchez has proven he can be a good QB, when the running game is working and his all star line is protecting and his first round draft pick WRs are saving him. In other words, like all other borderline mediocre QB’s, he can succeed when others do the heavy lifting and he needs to think less. The Dolphins have Matt Moore at QB. If you’re unfamiliar with him, it’s because he sucks. Somehow this is a Monday Night game. And since all of Hank Williams Jr’s racist friends won’t be coming over to watch MNF anymore the only draw will be this quality game. Which essentially means Gossip Girl will get a large ratings bump. Pick: Jets-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Dolphins-LOSS

 

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RECORDS

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ANALYSTS

Steve Elle: 52-38

Rob Wheatley: 48-42

Darby Shaw: 44-46

Evil Peyton Manning: 44-46

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CONTEST

Obi-Wallace: 54-36

T.O.: 48-42

AmyC: 45-41

Beta Boy: 44-46

JMcG: 42-48

RickyB: 42-48

Giants Chick: 42-48

Mike Marbles Francesa: 42-48

Corrupted Clown: 40-50

Angelicus Rex: 30-60

La Princessa: 13-77

JohnnyO: 9-81

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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