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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 10-10-2011

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Aries

ARIES

You should meet someone new today, even if you’re trying to avoid it for some reason. This is especially true if you walk through one of these Occupy Wall Street demonstrations in a pin-striped suit, holding The Wall Street Journal, smoking a Cuban, and dropping dollar bills in your path. Funny story…

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

You need to take things more slowly in one of your relationships. That barista at Starbucks you gave a dollar tip to yesterday? Yeah, don’t give here that ring today.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You may need to deal with someone who’s uncommunicative, but you can fix that. Just throw them in a well at the bottom of your basement, give them lotion, and spray them with a hose. They’ll listen.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

You are feeling a bit suspicious of your people today — but that’s not such a terrible thing. Kim Jong-Il was suspicious, and he controls a whole country! Slap on some shades, put out a music album, and control your people today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

Your mind is wide open today — and all sorts of great ideas are making themselves at home! This is much better than having your fly wide open, letting all sorts of bugs make themselves at home.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Step back from a relationship that has become too combative. You don’t want to have to tell family and friends that you got a black eye from your woman.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

Someone is projecting their own life choices onto you. Fight for your right not to become a star basketball player, and sit on your ass eating Doritos like you’ve always wanted to.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

The warmth you feel from friends will keep you in a very jovial mood today. Unless that warmth is from your friends peeing on you in an alleyway because you got black-out drunk.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

You’re playing games — but you’re not trying to play anyone. Just be careful, and keep a sock handy.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

You should impress the right people with your willingness to take a hit for the team. Just make sure it’s not too hard of a hit, because no-one ever enjoys their own memorial.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

You can see patterns where others just see random noise. This can either mean that dub-step is evolving, or you’re just too high to care.

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

A gift you’re given today requires you to find your hidden reserve of discipline. It just wouldn’t be proper to bang an inflatable sheep right there in the office.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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