New York, NY: The holiday season is gearing up for its launch as Halloween looms closer. For one citizen, the holiday season is already here, as Paul Emmerlan prepares to celebrate his first Canadian Thanksgiving.

“I have a housemate from Canada, so this will be the first time I’ll be celebrating a Canadian Thanksgiving,” stated Mr. Emmerlan. “I guess she was a bit upset that most people weren’t off for her holiday. Sure, it’s Columbus Day, too, but who really celebrates that?”

While the origins of Thanksgiving in Canada originated with the fall harvest of the aboriginal peoples who had first colonized the Americas, Mr. Emmerlan first believed this Thanksgiving was just about more pilgrims that got lost trying to get to Plymouth Rock.

“You hear all these jokes about Canadians being second tier to the United States, so I figured their pilgrims were pretty slow in the head.” Upon being corrected that they weren’t pilgrims at all, but fur traders from France, Mr. Emmerlan continued to push his claim. “See? French! It’s even worse!”

After Mr. Emmerlan changed his claim to be that everyone in Canada is now Native American, reporters gave up explaining the holiday.

While the day may be different, Mr. Emmerlan believed the celebration wouldn’t be all that different. “It still sounds like a holiday where we stuff our face and relax while watching football. It is Monday nigh, after all,” explained Mr. Emmerlan. “Sure, Canadians like hockey, but seriously, it’s Monday Night Football, the only Monday tradition, ever!”

While Emmerlan is unsure what sorts of food are served for the holiday, he is ready to eat roasted Canadian goose, Kraft dinner, and maple candies while wearing a maple-leafed tuque until his stereotype of Canadians is complete.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.