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NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 5

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email ineptowl@gmail.com with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.

Week 5 is upon us, and Steve Elle is in the lead with our British correspondent right behind him, while Darby had his best week ever! See? anything can happen!

Sunday, October 9th, 2011

VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Eagles by 3

Rob Wheatley:

A Philadelphia Eagle is the full, fat alternative to an Ice Swan. Whereas the swan is usually hand carved from a solid block of ice and forms the central table display at expensive functions, the ‘Phileagle’ is constructed by covering a live (but generally quite sick) Eagle in a thick layer of cream cheese, wrapping tightly in cling-film and storing in the refrigerator overnight (or overday if you are an insomniac). The Eagle doesn’t necessarily have to be sickly, but it does make it much easier to catch. A Buffalo Bill is a large hairy cow with a dollar shoved up its rectum. Pick Bills, NO, Eagles..No…BILLS !  Yes, I’ve made my decision.. BILLS !! Pick: Bills-WIN

Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Bills-WIN

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VS

Kansas City Chiefs @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Colts by 3

 

Darby Shaw:

After week 3, the Chiefs were starting to look like a lock for the Andrew Luck lottery; 0-for-3 on wins and 0-for-3 on ACLs among their most talented players, they appeared the favorites for the first pick in next year’s draft. Then they had to go and do something stupid like beating the hapless Vikings. And this week, they foolishly decided to play the Colts, rather than forfeiting in advance. On the bright side, with a loss, the Colts become the front-runners for the first pick, setting a scenario where Peyton Manning’s fivehead explodes as they pick his eventual replacement. Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Steve Elle: Chiefs-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-LOSS

 

____________________________

VS

Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings

LINE: Vikings by 3

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

It’s been two years and two teams since these two quarterbacks were fighting for the starting quarterback position for the Philadelphia Eagles. While Donovan McNabb may want to tell Kevin Kolb, “I told you so,” the resonance really isn’t there when he has to answer the question, “Where are you now?” with the answer, “On track to make way for another shining light quarterback rookie.” Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Vikings-WIN

Darby Shaw: Cardinals-LOSS

__________________________________

VS

Seattle Seahawks @ New York Giants

LINE: Giants by 10

 

Steve Elle:

[yawn]. Oh, I have to say something here? I looked at the two teams and felt a wave of sleep inducing boredom wash over me. Apologies to fans of these two teams, of course. But…who will be watching this game again? Family members of both teams – check; friends of the players – check; announcers – check. Me? Check mate. Pick: Giants-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Seahawks-WIN

 

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VS

Tennessee Titans @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers by 3

 

Steve Elle:

The Titans are facing the Steelers at the right time. Roethlisberger is playing like a slower, dumber version of himself, which seems impossible, but also true. Chris Johnson seems to be warming up. The Steelers defense seems a step slow and their best pass rusher has a broken orbit bone (ouch) and will be out for some time. The opportunistic Titans should be able to take advantage of this situation in a manner similar to Roethlisberger taking advantage of young, nubile, and extremely drunk coeds. If Ben can avoid prosecution with a payoff here or there, the Titans should be able to get a win. Don’t ask me what kind of logic I’m using here or I will throw out a formula you just won’t be able to understand, trust me. Pick: Titans-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Steelers-WIN

 

__________________________________

VS

New Orleans Saints @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Saints by 7

 

Rob Wheatley:

When the Saints, go marching in..oh when the Saints go marching in..they get chewed up and spat out by a friggin’ massive panther. A panther with blood on his mind and teeth in its face. A panther with the taste for blood and the ears for..er, um…listening..yeah, listening to the bone-crunching horribleness of a crap-load of saints getting munched into mince on the battlefield that is the football field, although not necessarily a level playing field, ‘cos on one side is a bunch of saints and the other a wild pack of evil cats with bad breath and trouble in mind. Snarl, chomp, chew..Remember the old saying: If you pull a panther’s finger on a Monday, it’ll probably smell of saints. Pick: Panthers-WIN

Steve Elle: Saints-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Saints-LOSS

 

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VS

Cincinnati Bengals @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Jaguars by 3

 

Rob Wheatley:

A Bengal occurs once every thousand years in nature, and happens when a Beagle is mated with an Englishman. Of course, in the privacy of an Englishman’s own home, this can happen with alarming regularity, sometimes up to 3 times a night. The world’s most famous Beagle was ‘Snoopy’ who became the first Canine President of the USA back in the late 1960’s, and later had gender reassignment, emerging in the 80’s as ‘Garfield’ the cat.  Although Snoopy was never shown to have any teeth, it is rumoured that he could deliver a ‘nasty suck’ when provoked. This is probably why Woodstock often had a wry smile on his face..they were always more than ‘just good friends’.  Using my advanced bank of super-computers in front of me, I can confidently predict that this week, the good money is with….Jaguars ! Pick: Jaguars-LOSS

Steve Elle: Bengals-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN

 

_________________________________________

VS

Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans by 6

 

Darby Shaw:

Raiders coach Hue Jackson has already predicted that the Raiders will win the AFC West. While some people are calling that arrogant or presumptuous, most have simply looked at the AFC West and said, “Duh.” With the Chiefs rocketing towards a 53-man IR roster, the Broncos considering bringing Elway off the bench, and the Chargers being coached by Norv “I find new and creative ways to blow my shot at the playoffs” Turner, the West is Oakland’s to take. Pick: Texans-LOSS

Steve Elle: Texans-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Texans-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-WIN

 

______________________________________

VS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: 49ers by 3

 

Steve Elle:

In what’s certainly a surprise to dream team obsessed media, both of these teams are 3-1 while the anointed “dream team” (though Michael Vick said the name is now dead, so it must be so (“dream team” was probably the name of one of his most successful packs of dogs…get it? Name is now dead…pack of dogs…oh, forget it)) is 1-3. Anyway, Bucs and Niners. These teams match up surprisingly well, though it’s really no surprise. Both teams are young and hungry. Raheem Morris calls this “youngry”, apparently because he does not like to string three words together. Anyway, both teams seem youngry and hitherto both teams have ‘exceetationsusfar’ (exceeded expectations thus far). Jarbaugh (Jim Harbaugh) and Rahrris (Raheem Morris) are supercited (super excited) to exceetation (exceed expectations) for their fase (fanbase). Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN

Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN

 

_________________________________________

VS

San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Chargers by 4

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

I really had to do a double-take when I saw this line. Then I saw that Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates were “questionable.” Considering I always thought Vincent Jackson was “questionable” as a legitimate receiver, it really doesn’t scare me off from the Chargers, particularly when the Broncos line up their 3rd string quarterback as a slot receiver because they don’t know what else to do with him. Pick: Chargers-WIN

Steve Elle: Chargers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Chargers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Chargers-WIN

 

 

_________________________________________

VS

New York Jets @ New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 9

 

Darby Shaw:

I know this has nothing to do with football, but… didn’t Rex Ryan get that lap-band surgery? Not sure what the hell happened there, because he’s about two donuts from being their starting nose tackle. Also, I’m currently taking bets on which one of the Ryan brothers pulls a Buddy Ryan and punches out another coach. My money is on Rex in week 8. Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-WIN

 

______________________________________

VS

Green Bay Packers @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Packers by 6

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Just when you thought you’d never have to hear his name again(except from me, over and over again, because the jokes just don’t get old when so many teams are faltering), Brett Favre rears his ugly head to poke at the success of Aaron Rodgers. It made me look up Rodgers’ stats: 7 years. Unfortunately, 4 of those years were as back-up to the biggest cry-baby in the NFL, Brett Favre. One the other side, we have Matt Ryan, who had surprising success as a rookie but tapered off, at year 4. Coincidence? Sure. Pick: Falcons-LOSS

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN

 

 

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Monday, October 10, 2011

VS

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Lions by 6

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

It seems that the blood oath between Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford and Mac from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” to get extraordinarily fat has helped both men: Stafford has lasted 4 games and 4 wins, and it’s amazing. Mac is fat, and it’s hilarious. Jay Cutler, unfortunately, seems to be a parody of fatness, like that song by Weird Al Yankovic. He should lose his red shirt for practices, and have Brian Urlacher chase him around the field to get him to trim down. Pick: Bears-LOSS

Steve Elle: Lions-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN

 

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RECORDS

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ANALYSTS

Steve Elle: 43-34

Rob Wheatley: 42-35

Darby Shaw: 38-39

Evil Peyton Manning: 37-40

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CONTEST

Obi-Wallace: 46-31

AmyC: 44-33

T.O.: 42-35

RickyB: 37-40

Beta Boy: 37-40

JMcG: 35-42

Corrupted Clown: 35-42

Giants Chick: 35-42

Mike Marbles Francesa: 35-42

Angelicus Rex: 25-52

La Princessa: 13-64

JohnnyO: 9-68

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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