Trenton, NJ: As the presidential hopefuls are beginning to take form in the Republican Party, one potential candidate has already become the elephant in the room. While it would seem that his supporters are promising that he is doing more than merely throwing his weight around, his candidacy bid has yet to be confirmed. That candidate is the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie.

The Republican Party has entertained the idea of slimming down some steadfast conservative policies in order to define themselves as different from their splintered brethren, the Tea Party. By incorporating conservative economic policies with a liberal approach to certain social concerns, Republicans are trying to sell themselves as the next step to rebuilding America. Christie, with more left-leaning stances in regard to immigration, gun control, and climate change, may be able to be that wide bridge for Conservatives.

While Christie may easily fit the white, overweight mold that America has learned to link to the Republican Party, many conservatives believe he may not be the perfect fit.

“There’s too much mixing for my taste,” explained radio host and fellow fat slob, Rush Limbaugh. “Sure he’s chubby, red-faced, and loud, but does he have white hair and male-pattern baldness?No. Does he have a ridiculous amount of pictures in a hunting outfit drinking tea? No,” explained Limbaugh. “If you’re going to to put in a presidential bid, you better look more the part. Like me, for instance…”

There are other, future problems that may surface if Governor Christie decides to run. For one, Christie may be forced to engage in debates on the floor instead of the stage with other candidates, for the safety of all involved. Double the amount of Secret Service personnel will need to be contracted in order to protect Christie. In the event he is actually elected, the presidential helicopter, VH-71, may need to be upgraded to the Mi-26,  for Christie’s sole use.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.