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NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 4

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.

Not much movement in the ranks of our analysts, but readers are all over the place, and beating our analysts! Congratulations.

Sunday, October 1st, 2011

VS

Carolina Panthers @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Bears by 7

 

Darby Shaw:

Two years ago, this would have been the most uninteresting game of the weekend. This year, it’s…. well, okay, it’s still the most uninteresting game of the weekend. But since Cam Newton either A. throws for spectacular yardage in a loss or B. throws for utterly unimpressive numbers in a win, you’ve got a 50/50 shot of getting something interesting to watch. Pray for the Panthers to fall behind early, or go mow your lawn. Your call. Pick: Panthers-WIN

Steve Elle: Bears-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-LOSS

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VS

Buffalo Bills @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bills by 3

 Evil Peyton Manning:

When sports pundits were involved in their season forecasting this summer, I’m sure they had a few easy predictions as to who would be undefeated going into Week 4: the Patriots; the Packers; maybe the Eagles and Saints. I don’t think anyone predicted that the Bills would be undefeated with the 3rd best offense and the #1 fantasy quarterback in Ryan FitzMagic. Unless they got rip-roaring drunk in the city of Buffalo one August evening and used the line to try and get laid by the waitress at The Anchor Bar. Just sayin. Pick: Bills-LOSS

Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN

Darby Shaw: Bills-LOSS

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VS

Tennessee Titans @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Browns by 1

 

Steve Elle:

Quick, name 5 members of either the Titans or Browns not named McCoy, Hillis, Hasselbeck or Johnson. Don’t be upset, no one else on earth can perform this impossible feat either, and that includes the staff of both teams. Chris Johnson, who claims every year that he will rush for 2,000 yards is quite ironically on pace to get much, much closer to 2,000 feet (666 yards, yes, spooky – just like his gold encrusted mug) this season. For the 6 fans that will watch this snooze fest I recommend piggybacking No Doz with some whiskey. Pick: Titans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Browns-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Browns-LOSS

 

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VS

Detroit Lions @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys by 1

 

Steve Elle:

Since week two, the Lions are inching closer to playing an actual worthwhile opponent. The Cowboys are banged up so this will be a stiff test for them. Speaking of stiff tests, the Romosexual will endeavor to at least keep his lungs unpunctured (anything else is fair game, apparently) for one more week. Calvin Johnson is having the best season of his career so far. If the Cowboys can’t control him, it could be a long night. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-WIN

Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN

 

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VS

Minnesota Vikings @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: Vikings by 2

Evil Peyton Manning:

There is nothing more enjoyable to watch in all of sports than a game between two winless teams. One reason is that you are guaranteed to be able to crack at least one joke per play, in this case about Donovan McNabb or Larry Johnson(yes, he is not with the Chiefs at the moment, but if the Colts can play round-robin with quarterbacks all year, the Chiefs can do the same with running-backs). Hey, I was a huge fan of the Bad News Bears! Another reason is the anticipation of what will happen: will the Vikings drive up the score in the first half to let it all slip away by the end of the game? Or will Matt Cassel unravel again and show why the 2008 Patriots didn’t make it to the playoffs? What suspense! FOX, make this televised, please! Pick: Vikings-LOSS

Steve Elle: Vikings-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Vikings-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Chiefs-WIN

 

 

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VS

Washington Redskins @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: EVEN

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Sam Bradford must be one of the most accident-prone quarterbacks in the game. His injuries are barely injuries: a hurt finger here, a stubbed toe there. I predict that he develops a leg rash by the end of this game due to sitting on a wet towel. Luckily, Stephen Jackson is expected to play at about 80%, so the Rams will not be dumped into the hospital league just yet. Pick: Rams-LOSS

 

Steve Elle: Rams-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Rams-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Redskins-WIN

 

 

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VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Philadelphia Eagles

LINE: EVEN

Rob Wheatley:

The 49er is a little known sexual position taken from the ‘Amputee’s Kama Sutra’ . It’s similar to a 69, but with less limbs involved. The ‘Octopus Kama Sutra’ describes a position known as the 109er, although there is little evidence to suggest this is physically possible, even with 8 legs, even underwater..
‘The Octopus Kama Sutra’ is famous as being one of the worst selling books of all time. This is not due to a lack of enthusiasm for sexual experimentation among octopi, simply it’s down to the fact that most bookshops are situated too far inland to be of any use. Also, the Octopus rarely carries any form of money or plastic. A basic flaw in it’s design means it was never fitted with pockets. Pick: 49ers-WIN

Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Eagles-LOSS

 

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VS

New Orleans Saints @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Saints by 8

 

Darby Shaw:

Wait. Jacksonville still has a team? Does the commissioner know this? This game hasn’t started and I already can’t wait for it to be over. Look for Saints safety Malcolm “I’m too slow to play the position I was drafted at” Jenkins to have a big day, eating bowls of ice cream and waiting for Jags rookie QB Blaine Gabbert to throw lame ducks his way. Pick: Saints-WIN

 

Steve Elle: Saints-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN

 

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VS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans by 4

 

Steve Elle:

It’s satisfying to watch the Steelers getting beaten handily by a supposedly inferior team and barely squeaking by another supposedly inferior team (that was starting its 3rd QB), isn’t it? Well it is for me. I’m not sure if it’s marriage, but Big Ben now looks like a big, bloated somehow even more impossibly stupid and ridiculous version of himself. Anyway, the game; finally the Steelers face a clearly superior team. Hear me now and believe me later, the Texans will get out a can of whoop ass for these clowns. Pick: Texans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Steelers-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-WIN

Darby Shaw: Steelers-LOSS

 

 

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VS

New York Giants @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Giants by 1

 

Darby Shaw:

I remember having these two teams play each other in Tecmo Bowl back in the 90s. The Giants were a “strong defense, crappy passing game” team and the Cardinals sucked top to bottom. Now that they’ve re-released Tecmo Bowl for the Nintendo Wii, it’s nice to know that they can just leave the teams unaltered after 20 years. Pick: Giants-WIN

 

Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Cardinals-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-WIN

 

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VS

Atlanta Falcons @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Falcons by 6

 

Steve Elle:

Oh the Super Bowl favorite Falcons… first they lose to the Bears, then they squeak by the Eagles, then they lose again to the Bucs (who pummeled them, it should be noted). You would think playing the impotent Seahawks at home would be just the cure they needed, but Meg Ryan…er, Matty Ice Cream as he is now known, is getting beaten up every week like a little girl. It was leaked to the press that he wears dignity pants (aka: diapers) underneath his football pants because he’s literally getting the sh#t beaten out of him on a weekly basis. Pick: Falcons-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS

 

 

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VS

Denver Broncos @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 13

 

Rob Wheatley:

Yayyy, it’s me old mates the Green Bay Packers, and what can I say about this team that hasn’t already been said time and time again ?  The good times, the bad times, the fears, hope, laughs and anguish. On a good day, they probably have somebody in their team that can run and carry a ball at the same time, and hopefully they also have people capable of throwing this ball  to allow and actually pre-empt the aforementioned catch. Else they are screwed.  As for the Broncos, well they’re just assholes ! Pick: Broncos-LOSS

 

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Broncos-LOSS

 

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VS

New England Patriots @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Patriots by 5

 

Rob Wheatley:

Hello New England Patriots ! Hello New England ! Yes folks, I’m sitting here in the old and original England as I write this, the country of grey summers and (yes, grey not gray..that’s how we spell it here..and we should know, every fuck*ng thing is grey here !), dark grey winters.  Even our food is monochromatic. If you dare put two foods of varying colour on the same (yes, colour!) plate, then it will be referred to as ‘foreign muck’ and people will run screaming lest they should actually manage to taste something or experience a contrast in textures or, worse of all, enjoy it.  On the plus side, however, we have great beer and we managed to sell you Piers Morgan. How we laughed. Oh, yeah the football…errrrr, Pick: Raiders-LOSS

 

Steve Elle: Patriots-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN

Darby Shaw: Patriots-WIN

 

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VS

Miami Dolphins @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers by 9

 

Darby Shaw:

Poor Tony Sparano. His boss blatantly tried to get Jim “Don’t Call Me John” Harbaugh to be his coach… while Sparano still had the gig. He’s already on the hot seat for this season. And any time his agent tries to book him a public speaking gig, the crowd thinks they’re getting the guy from that HBO mafia show. Oh, plus, he has Chad Henne on his team. Sucks to be you, dude. Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Steve Elle: Chargers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-WIN

 

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VS

New York Jets @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 4

 

Rob Wheatley:

I’ve often been confused by the term ‘Raven haired beauty’, mainly because I have brown hair.. It confuses me also when other people get called that, for the raven is a bird and so equipped not with hair, but with feathers. A raven haired beauty would look like they had a shock of feathers on their head, but this condition is often referred to as ‘bed hair’ and not recognized as one of the universal cornerstones of ‘beauty’. I’m not a trained aesthete so my Lay perspective is generally unqualified in terms of historical ….oooh….it’s dark in here…I think I just disappeared up my own arse ! Pick: Jets-LOSS

 

Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN

 

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Monday, October 2nd, 2011

VS

Indianapolis Colts @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Bucs by 10

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

I’ve been on this kick recently about visiting a different stadium once a year and going to a game, buying and wearing a team jersey so I can fully engage the fan base. I usually get a clearance jersey of some unknown or mediocre player that is no longer with the team. When I go to Tampa, I expect that even current player jerseys would fit into the price range. On the same note, the Colts are trying to get me to come to Indianapolis and have a wide selection of jerseys by recruiting every eligible has-been quarterback available. Kerry Collins, check. Dan Orlovsky, check. Next up, Jeff Garcia, Brad Johnson, Brooks Bollinger, and of course…Brett Favre? Pick: Colts

Steve Elle: Bucs

Rob Wheatley: Bucs

Darby Shaw: Colts

 

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RECORDS

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ANALYSTS

Steve Elle: 37-27

Rob Wheatley: 33-31

Evil Peyton Manning: 32-32

Darby Shaw: 29-35

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CONTEST

Obi-Wallace: 42-22

AmyC: 37-27

T.O.: 37-27

RickyB: 33-31

Beta Boy: 32-32

JMcG: 30-34

Corrupted Clown: 29-35

Giants Chick: 27-37

Mike Marbles Francesa: 27-37

Angelicus Rex: 20-44

La Princessa: 13-51

JohnnyO: 9-55

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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

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