NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 1

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email ineptowl@gmail.com with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header, your alias name, and your picks for the week. Registration ends Thursday, September 8th at 6pm EST.

Last year’s Powder Puff King was Steve Elle. Let’s see if he can defend his crown!

Thursday, September 8th, 2011

VS

New Orleans Saints @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers by 4.5

Evil Peyton Manning:

Extravagant spending; veterans struggling to be remembered; newcomers trying to make a name for themselves. No, this isn’t the NFL lockout all over again. This is the pre-game celebration at Lambeau Field to kick off the season. Kid Rock, Maroon 5, and Lady Antebellum will show us all what those hiked up ticket prices are for. Pick: Packers-WIN

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN

 

 

Sunday, September 11th, 2011

VS

Atlanta Falcons @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Falcons by 3

 

Darby Shaw:

Look for wet field conditions in Chicago, as displeased-with-his-contract RB Matt Forte cries about being underpaid to my-blood-sugar-is-low-why-do-people-hate-me QB Jay Cutler in the offensive backfield. For the Falcons, a tearful coming-home moment was narrowly avoided as Atlanta cut back-up QB Abe Froman just days before their team left for his hometown of Chicago, where his family is renowned for their sausage. (Editor’s note: That’s ADAM Froman, you idiot.) Pick: Falcons-LOSS

Steve Elle: Bears-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS

 

 

VS

Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Browns by 7

 

Darby Shaw:

The Bengals will be starting an inexperienced ginger at quarterback and their starting tailback just got out of jail. I love it when teams write the jokes for me. On the other hand, the Browns received a bit of good fortune when the Football Gods, believing there was no way a white running back from Cleveland could make the cover of the Madden 2012 video game, mistakenly placed the Madden Curse on Colts QB Peyton Manning. Pick: Bengals-WIN

Steve Elle: Browns-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Browns-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-LOSS

 

VS

Buffalo Bills @ Kansas City Chiefs

LINE: Chiefs by 5.5

 

Darby Shaw:

The other day, I heard two football talking heads that I normally respect talk about how underrated Ryan Fitzpatrick is. So, I went back and evaluated video from every pass Fitzpatrick has thrown in his pro career. After hours of painstaking review, I can say with all confidence that this dude SUCKS. On the other hand, the Chiefs have called TE Tony Moeaki “the next Dallas Clark.” In related news, I am calling myself “the next Ron Jeremy.” Pick: Chiefs-LOSS

Steve Elle: Chiefs-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-LOSS

 

 

VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Eagles by 5.5

 

Rob Wheatley:

Anyone who knows their football will have plenty to say about this matchup.  However, that doesn’t apply to me. No, all you will get from here is a sucession of terrible puns, filthy innuendos and worn out stereotypes based on the team names and  anything else that exists in the back compartment of this wine-addled brain. Pretty cool huh ? Yayyyy, The Eagles WIN. Pick: Eagles-WIN

Steve Elle: Eagles-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-WIN

Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS

 

 

VS

Detroit Lions @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Bucs by 1

Steve Elle:

The Lions “beat” the Bucs last year and prevented them from advancing to the playoffs. I have beat in parentheses because the Bucs likely would have won that game had a bogus penalty not been called on a TD play. The refs acknowledged the blown play the next week. The Bucs were also without 6 starters that day. The Lions get to try again for a legitimate victory in the cool 100 degree confines of Raymond James stadium. It will be so cool that heatstroke could occur. That would be just desserts for the Lions after the bogus victory. Pick: Bucs-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-WIN

Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN

 

 

VS

Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars

LINE: Jaguars by 3

 

Rob Wheatley:

Well, I have a great friend who lives in Memphis at the moment, (Hello Tordy !!) , but obviously that would be a silly and totally un-professional reason for picking the Titans to win. Titans WIN. Pick: Titans-WIN

Steve Elle: Titans-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-WIN

Darby Shaw: Titans-WIN

 

 

VS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens

LINE: Ravens by 3

 

Rob Wheatley:

So here we are once again, poised at the edge of another thrilling season filled with overly padded men throwing balls at each other and running a bit from time to time. Man, the excitement is almost palpable..almost, but not quite. I’m English, and I don’t understand this game at all. In England, we have the game of Rugby, which is basically when two opposing teams of heavily built homosexuals stand in a big line and throw beer at each other. Anyway, enough of all that for the moment,  Ravens WIN ! Pick: Ravens-WIN

Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-WIN

Darby Shaw: Steelers-LOSS

 

 

VS

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans

LINE: Texans by 9

Evil Peyton Manning:

Pre-season is over for the Colts, and now they must play at least one game without the real Peyton Manning. Caldwell, fearing injury to Hall of Fame clipboard-holder Curtis Painter, will start Brett Favre Junior, also known as Kerry Collins, at quarterback. This game will answer such looming questions such as: 1) “Can Caldwell actually coach?” 2) Will the offensive line be confused when they don’t hear a barrage of audibles and dummy calls?” 3) Can Matt Schaub actually win a game he’s supposed to win?” Pick: Colts-LOSS

Steve Elle: Texans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Colts-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS

 

 

VS

New York Giants @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Giants by 3

Steve Elle:

Washington, NY, 9/11 – you’d think this was a documentary as opposed to a football game. I believe the ‘Skins are improved and they will generate heat on the lesser Manning. If NY can get their running attack going they have a chance. If not, Grossman (he’s still starting in the NFL?) and company shall prevail. I think it’s the latter. Pick: Redskins-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Redskins-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-WIN

Darby Shaw: Giants-LOSS

 

 

VS

Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: 49ers by 6

Darby Shaw:

Seriously… can we just condense the league by eliminating all the teams on the West Coast? San Diego is the only good team, and their fans don’t give a shit; though to be fair, if I got to hang around on the beaches with Sandy Eggo chicks, I wouldn’t be at the stadium on Sunday either. And for the rest… if you combined the rosters of the 49ers, Seahawks, and Raiders, they still couldn’t beat Texas A&M. Pick: 49ers-WIN

Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN

 

 

VS

Minnesota Vikings @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers by 9

 

Rob Wheatley:

I’m not sure about the legality of letting Vikings join in with such sporting events. For one thing, those horned helmets could prove to be a real health & safety nightmare, let alone their reputation for rape and pillage, hardly the sort of role models we want our kids to look up to. Hang on, I don’t have any kids..oh well, as you were. Vikings WIN Pick: Vikings-WIN

Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Vikings-WIN

Darby Shaw: Chargers-LOSS

 

 

VS

Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals

LINE: Cardinals by 7

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

This game has one good thing going for Jimmy Clausen: he won’t have to make eye contact with Matt Leinart as they each protect their clipboards on the sidelines. The big question is, can Cam Newton do for the Panthers what Sam Bradford did for the Rams: make them mediocre after being a schedule joke. Not today, young padawan. Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Panthers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Cardinals-LOSS

 

 

VS

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Jets

LINE: Jets by 4

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

There was no team sweating more about personnel changes than the New York Jets. Braylon Edwards, Santonio Holmes, Brad Smith, Antonio Cromartie, Eric Smith, David Harris were all dangerously in free-agent land, and all but “Stone Hands” Edwards and “Goldie Hawn Wildcat” Smith were lost. Unfortunately, pre-season went as if the Jets had replaced their entire team with special needs kids, but that’s okay: they’re up against Tony Romo this week, so it evens out. Pick: Cowboys-WIN

Steve Elle: Cowboys-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Jets-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Cowboys-WIN

 

 

Monday, September 12th, 2011

VS

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins

LINE: Patriots by 7

 

 Steve Elle:

What a sweet (and by sweet I mean bland) matchup. Henne vs. Brady, for reasons a psychiatrist could no doubt ultimately uncover, sounds more to me like the semi finals of a quilting championship rather than an NFL match up. Reggie Bush, however, offers some scintillating opportunities. Like perhaps who gets to stuff Bush on Sunday? And if they hit him hard, will Bush bleed? Who will tame that Bush? And if it rains, that will be one wet Bush. Anyway, Bush or no Bush, I think an improved Miami squad surprises the Pats. Pick: Dolphins-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN

Darby Shaw: Dolphins-LOSS

 

 

VS

Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Broncos by 3

 

Steve Elle:

The words ‘Baby Jesus’ and ‘hold a clipboard’ don’t seem, on the surface, to have much in common, but Sunday they will. As the Elway/Fox administration takes over in Denver, they ponder whether or not to attempt to make Tebow a TE, punter, janitor, or just let him be an expensive clipboard holder. In the meantime, legitimate QB Kyle Orton should lead an otherwise improved (mostly by the fact that Orton is still at QB) Denver team to a victory over a likely clueless Oakland squad. Pick: Broncos-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Broncos-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Broncos-LOSS

 

 

__________________________________

RECORDS

___________________________________

ANALYSTS

Rob Wheatley: 11-5

Steve Elle: 10-6

Evil Peyton Manning: 10-6

Darby Shaw: 6-10

___________________________________

___________________________________

CONTEST

AmyC: 11-5

JMcG: 11-5

Obi-Wallace: 10-6

T.O.: 10-6

RickyB: 9-7

JohnnyO: 9-7

Beta Boy: 8-8

La Princessa: 8-8

Corrupted Clown: 7-9

Giants Chick: 6-10

Mike Marbles Francesa: 6-10

Angelicus Rex: 5-11

About Author

As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism…but only on Sundays at 10am.

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