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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 8-8-2011

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Aries

ARIES

Your reputation should be your primary concern right now, so be cautious with it. Those past hijinks may come back to haunt you, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. Oh wait…

 

 

 

 


Taurus

TAURUS

A small gamble you took lately turns up a bit sour today — but don’t let it discourage you! If you could win every time, life would be unimaginably boring without needing to go into hiding for fear of aggressive bookies dropping you into the bay or the middle of the desert in just your socks.

 

 

 

 


Gemini

GEMINI

You need more depth today, and that could mean that your energy is best spent reading, meditating, or strapping on some scuba gear and diving into the sewers.

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

If you have problems at work, don’t stick your head in the sand. You can’t breathe in there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

You’ve got a real opportunity to shake things up, but the wrong people might try to stand in your way. You know, like cops, judges, the National Guard, Superman…

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

Your hard work always pays off, so don’t hesitate to put sweat equity into this day.Unless your work is towards the opposite sex. Then you may want to work some deodorant into the equation.

 

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

Old shoes deserve to be where old shoes belong: in the closet. That way you have something to wear when the toilet overflows.

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

You pride yourself on your skepticism and your ability to see through others’ put-ons. Be careful, tin-foil head wear is still not in.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

If you’re not in a good mood, something strange is going on.

If you’re in a good mood and you find yourself chatting with a giant pink tiger that floats like a balloon, something strange is going on.

 

 

 



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

No matter how much power you have, you cannot always ensure a positive outcome. Even He-Man had a few low moments.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

You’re a source of inspiration for someone. Hopefully it doesn’t go as far as them wanting to wear your skin.

 

 




Pisces

PISCES

f you can just keep your eyes open, you should find that what’s been going on actually makes sense. This is how private investigators make money, after all. “Stalking” and “restraining order” are just words anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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