Vancouver BC, CANADA: Last week the imaginable happened: Canadians were so riled up about a Stanley Cup Finals series loss that they took to the streets to show Oakland, Los Angeles, and Chicago how a riot is supposed to be.
As soon as the Vancouver Canucks(whose logo happens to be an orca after liposuction) lost game 7 to the Boston Bruins, fans of the Canucks, Bruins, and even the Devils, filled the streets of downtown Vancouver, looting and vandalizing stores, cars, and anyone without a hockey sweater on.
“Yeah, I joined in. I figured it was a celebration of how awesome Canadians think Boston is,” stated Massachusetts resident Bobby Polenta.
Damages to property are estimated at about $5 million, which in non-Canadian currency could be anywhere from $3 million to $20.43, however one business, a coffee company called Blenz, seems to be catching brand recognition that could be worth millions in itself over time. This is a positive after their downtown stores were looted of their inventory due to the drunken mob needing caffeine to keep going.
In the aftermath of the rioting, citizens of Vancouver became remorseful over how they had reacted and how they had treated their own city. “It’s a shame, really,” explained local Canadian Martin Surrey. “What we should have done was had a cross-country pillaging trip across the United States to Boston. Unfortunately, no-one was sober at the hockey game.”
This past week the remorse blossomed for all the world to see, as city dwellers took to the streets once again, spray-painting apologies on windows, up-ending police cars and covering them with post-it notes, and igniting gasoline messages of “SORRY” and “DON’T JUDGE ALL OF US” in the streets.
Some citizens even visited the mayor of Vancouver, Gregor Robertson, and gave him bear hugs to show their support and camaraderie. The mayor is still being treated for internal bleeding at St. Paul’s Hospital.
In light of all of these positives in the after-math, there is still one that looms over the entire United States, and will probably stay with the southward nation for many years to come. “Dude, Canada has real police officers? I thought mounties just rode around the cities,” stated oblivious American Patrick Walker.