New York, NY: As the NFL Lockout looms on with no end in sight, NFL Ownership held secret meetings in Washington, D.C. Though secret, intrepid reporters from the Inept Owl were able to use advanced surveillance techniques to spy on the proceedings. This is what was unearthed.

It is speculated that the players' holdout was a way for DeMaurice Smith to introduce himself to the world.

Ownership is fed up with the seeming inability of the Players Association (and DeMaurice Smith in particular) to understand their position. They (the former NFLPA) apparently cannot conceptualize the notion of a slightly smaller percentage (negotiated ages ago in a deal that is generally regarded as far more favorable to the players, and was not protested by owners after the fact as they patiently waited their turn to renegotiate) of a much larger pie yielding greater results than before. Simple math did not work.

The rationale that the players themselves, with their obscene salaries would never even notice a difference, that indeed they were squabbling over perception, not reality as they would ever experience it in their short careers, did not understand what they were supposedly fighting for. That the common man, who could never review his employers profit sheets to check how much of a profit was made before asking for a raise, cannot understand their viewpoint.

That the former NFLPA, which has said repeatedly that “we were happy with the way things were”, yet left a deal that was by all indications much better than “the way things were” on the table, calling it inadequate and insulting, did not really know what they wanted or what they were doing.

That the owners themselves, like the owners of any business, wish to in good faith renegotiate a deal that has expired with a new deal that will result in filthy richness for both owners and players yet have the gall to negotiate a greater percentage of their own business enterprise than what had been egregiously negotiated in the player advantageous deal of the last decade or so. Greedy bastards.

This much is now clear. NFL Ownership as a general rule is comprised of relatively smart people who did not become unbelievably successful merely by accident. NFL Players as a general rule are not as smart as the owners, to the point that they are being misled by a representative who is easily smarter than most of them, and more devious, keeping his name in the news as much as possible to make it familiar to people before his political push in the future. Something had to be done to make the players understand things on an elementary level.

Abandoning the ever present Power Point presentations which can often be confusing to children and many players, NFL Ownership has changed tactics. They will now use Lego blocks to represent different gradations and actual pies instead of pie charts. Negotiations will now be held in bright rooms, filled with colors and play areas. There will be trampolines and media areas. EA Sports is coming up with a video game tentatively called Madden2011 – Lockout Edition, which will be a primer for players more comfortable seeing things presented on screen as a video game. Roger Goodell’s monotonic voice will instead be voiced by a voice artist mimicking John Wayne’s faux western warble. This will also subliminally appeal to the right leaning Republican players (95% of them), most of who had no interest in politics before their careers but were now advised by their representatives to lean this way to protect their assets.  DeMaurice Smith will be voiced by a voice artist mimicking the late, great Gary Coleman. It’s rumored that there’s a scene, hoped to be a gut buster, where DeMaurice Smith deadpans, “what you talkin’ bout, Roger?”

Kiosks will be set up to sell bling. Verizon and AT&T will also have kiosks. Comfort food will be available to the players in the form of Taco Bell and of course, McDonald’s. Fish oil capsules will be handed out with orange drinks from McDonald’s in an effort to get the players brains primed for thought.

Though there was talk of moving the negotiations to Nevada to support a legal escort service during proceedings, this idea was scrapped when negotiations were moved to Sofitel New York Hotel , where the staff is very accommodating.

It’s hoped that with this great effort on the part of the NFL a new agreement can be in place before the beginning of the regular season.

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