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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-30-2011

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Aries

ARIES

You are wisely embracing new ideas right now, but you might be the only one. That means you are either a trend-setter or a crazy person for thinking people would wear fiberglass underwear. Time will tell.


Taurus

TAURUS

Grab this day and throw caution to the wind. Or, if you feel above the law, a few loved ones.


Gemini

GEMINI

Your intellectual energy is powerful now, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Just because you’ve seen the previews for X-Men: First Class twenty times doesn’t mean you have Professor X’s abilities.


Cancer

CANCER

If your social life feels humdrum, mix things up. Go to an all-night rave, try sky-dive speed-dating, or go to amateur night at your local comedy club. Something is bound to work.

 


Leo

LEO

Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to achieve impossible perfection. Leave that to successful, astrology-focused individuals that sleep in the basement because their wives can’t stomach their smell in the bedroom when they’re forced to eat cabbage.


Virgo

VIRGO

Past work issues are water under the bridge, unless you live along the Mississippi River. Then they’re water over the bridge, down the road, and up your chimney.


Libra

LIBRA

Today, sit down and have a nice long heart-to-heart conversation with yourself. Just don’t be rude, and sugar yourself up with compliments before getting into the meat of the situation. You should also make sure there is no-one around in case things get violent and you end up in the looney bin.

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

Today, the devil is in the details, and in the small print. Read things carefully! You don’t want to find out that by reading a horoscope by some crazy old man that you sold yourself into sex slavery. Wait, what?

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

This is a good day to think through complex ideas, as your brain is firing on all cylinders. Put that problem-solving to good use by figuring out why people still eat at Denny’s.



Capricorn

CAPRICORN

Your energy is very alluring today, but beware of unworthy flatterers. They’re probably just trying to borrow money.

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Your romantic potential still needs some fulfillment. Perhaps you should start slow and work on a mannequin. Hey, it worked for Andrew McCarthy.




Pisces

PISCES

Be careful not to get too cocky.

 

…….

 

That’s what she sai….DAMMIT!

 

 

 

 

 

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