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Ask An Owl: Gifts On Her Birthday

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Owl,

What can you give a girlfriend on her birthday?

-PiggyBanker

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Dear PiggyBanker,

Apparently my holiday gift response here at Ask An Owl was lost to you. Either that, or you honestly believe I may have had a miraculous recovery in my gift-giving abilities after being trained by gift-giving ninjas on the mountain peaks of ancient Japan after taking a DeLorean back in time with said song stuck on a loop.

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Unfortunately, this is not the case.

However, I will give you an answer. Should you use this advice, I take no responsibility for what may happen unless you happen to get laid. If you do, please let me know so that I may try to use my own advice. Possibly on your girlfriend.

To the matter at hand, what do you get a girlfriend for her birthday? It is a tricky topic because there are so many variables. Let us break them down from least important to most important:

5) Have you had sex?

Yes, this is actually the least important variable in your gift-giving tendencies. The reason is that if you two have not had sex, you are required to give a little extra in order to have a chance to have sex. If you two have had sex, you are required to give a little extra to be able to continue having sex. Unless you’re saving yourself for marriage somehow, or you lost your penis in a fluke bungee jumping accident, open up the wallet.

4) How long have you been together?

This is important, but not quite as important as the splinter variable that I will explain later on. Relationship length coincides with how your gift-giving should have evolved into bigger and better gifts until you have nothing left to give except for an engagement ring. It’s relatively obvious that giving a set of wine glasses after a month or two should not be repeated after a year or two. By that time, you may be required to buy your girlfriend a wine fridge, or a full-on winery.

3) Does she have kids that are yours?

Like the sex situation, this really doesn’t play much into the gifts your girlfriend expects to receive from you. This is because the child is your responsibility as well, and you better be taking care of your kids AND her…and her mom, and her dogs, and….

2) Does she have kids…that aren’t yours?

In this situation, you may be able to keep the gift-giving moderate when it comes to her. However, you better have the Toys R Us giraffe locked in your basement pooping out toys, because to stay in the black of this relationship, the major gifting will be going to the kid, as well as any bribery gifting you may need to get the child to watch cartoons really loudly when you come to visit.

1) What did you buy her last?

This is where the true men of industry shine, and the scrubs fall. All relationships are hypothetically build-ups to something bigger, so, to keep your girlfriend happy, your gifts should be as linear. The trick is to start small, but meaningful. Did you take her out for sushi? Pick her up a pair of chopsticks. That way you can milk the gradual gift-giving for at least 20 years before you have to buy her a rock garden. If you start off with a trip to Japan, you’ll have to give her that rock garden after 5 months, and probably a castle in 12 months.

As far as actual gifts, well, every woman is different. Please email me the name and number of your girlfriend, and I will be able to get more on top of what may be best for her.

Hugs & Kisses,

-The Owl

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