Washington, DC: It is all but official. After being on the minds of the American public for almost 10 years after the terrorist activities he masterminded from across the Atlantic Ocean, the world’s leading terrorist threat has been eliminated. According to correspondents at The Inept Owl, Armin Van Buuren is dead.
It seems like a century ago that Armin Van Buuren began broadcasting his State of Trance radio show, where he showcased progressive ambient house and beats. Van Buuren’s release of his own studio albums over the next 10 years as well as countless live DJ sets across the globe. Some believe that Van Buuren began the notorious fist-pump dance. As if this wasn’t enough of a terrorist act, Van Buuren helped create a whole generation of big-collared, frosted, spiked haired, fake tanned individuals that engaged cells from Russia to Miami, Florida to Las Vegas, Nevada.
“The viral path that Mr. Van Buuren’s philosophies followed was easily uncovered,” stated Homeland Security specialist Paul Thompson. “The spread of popularity of his music is linear to the outbreaks of herpes, dance club brawls, and Jägermeister sales across the globe. Unfortunately for America, the spread managed to meet in the United States, specifically the New Jersey shore.”
There has been some speculation if Armin Van Buuren really is dead. News networks such as CNN have reported that an individual going by the name Osama bin Laden was reportedly killed. FOX News reported that it was actually Seinfeld‘s Michael Richards that was deceased.
President Obama addressed the nation last night to quell American fears that the death of Armin Van Buuren may be a hoax, stating, “…the pain we have endured all this time has finally paid off. No more shall we cower in fear whenever we see frosted hair and Ed Hardy shirts. Never again will we shy away from dance clubs for fear of being roofied or pummeled by meatheads with no necks. We will be free to wear silver chains again and listen to Drum and Bass without judgement. This is a great day for America, and the world.”