ARIES
Be kind to all. Don’t let doubts about karma stop you from being mindful of it. Just think of how many sex tapes wouldn’t have made it on the internet if people were kinder?
TAURUS
You and your sweetie don’t need common goals; you need to be ready to compromise. Yes, only you. She’ll just supply the goals.
GEMINI
You aren’t entirely sure what’s going on with your mate or your best friend, but you should be able to clear things up if you can let them know that you’re confused. You think anyone ever second-guessed Corky from Life Goes On? No, they sat him down and explained why it was naughty of him to shoot his dad, or whoever he shot in the gun control episode.
CANCER
Don’t think about things from a political angle this week. Especially if you share your name with Mcdonald’s, plug your television show on national news, and have a bunch of casinos named after you.
LEO
Others might react emotionally to your choices, but that can’t sway your decision. Pee in the shower all you want.
VIRGO
You may be the fastest moving person at work or with your friends, but that doesn’t mean it’s helpful to hurry others along. They may trip and fall, which will slow you down, especially with the lawsuit that will probably be attached to it.
LIBRA
A heated debate may create more than an intellectual connection, like romance. We’re looking in your directions, Sean Hannity and Anderson Cooper.
SCORPIO
Go for the romance today, even if you feel like you might be acting silly. Do not, however, go for it if you believe that restraining orders will follow. There’s romance, and then there’s sending white roses dipped in your own blood with a sing-o-gram of Frank Sinatra’s “I Get a Kick Out of You”.
SAGITTARIUS
Keep abstaining from that vice, and soon you’ll lose the taste for it altogether. Unless that vice is for human brains. For some reason, the undead just seem to fiend for it more and more.
CAPRICORN
Use your creative writing ability to let the people you care for know how you feel. Who cares if it sounds cheesy? John Donne was like the first emo kid, and now he’s in literature books all over the world, all because he wrote how he felt with every blubbering sniffle that came through him.
AQUARIUS
If you’ve maxed your credit cards — or even just one of them — you need to see that as a warning. A warning…that you need more credit cards!
PISCES
For a healthier life, you need to share your feelings. Unless you’re Mel Gibson or Roger McDowell. You two should probably keep some of those feelings in and buy a stress ball.