Hate Crimes Begin Over Differing Gut Bacteria

| April 22, 2011 | 0 Comments

Montgomery, AL: Racism and prejudice in general were dealt a mighty blow recently, as scientists confirmed that human beings each harbor one of at least three different groupings of stomach bacteria. Much to the dismay of racist bigots everywhere, studies have also shown that the bacteria strands are not race, class, creed, sex, or sexual orientation related.

“We think humans can be categorized based on the micro-composition in their gut,” stated study co-author Manimozhiyan Arumugam, a research scientist at the European Molecular Biology Laboratory in Heidelberg, Germany. “We also have reasons to believe these are not specific to any continent, country, ethnicity or any other obvious factor.”

This discovery has led to a massive outpouring of hate crimes within such organizations as the Ku Klux Klan and Aryan Nations, as members found themselves unknowingly mixing bacterial strains with each other at least one third of the time, which goes against their basic prejudice views of purity.

“You can’t just stand by while those other genetically inferior white folk come around with their inferior stomach bugs and muck up our bloodlines,” explained local hillbilly Chris Brenner. “I just kicked my 6 year old son out of the house. Gotta breed out that bacteria at the source.”

Mr. Brenner was later found beating himself with a baseball bat, calling himself a “Beta Strain Bugger”.

Stories like these have not become uncommon after the bacterial discovery. Researchers have found that, within a case study of a wide range of people, there were three distinctive ecosystems of bacteria within the human body. These differing bacterial strains cause slight differences in digestion and enzyme creation which, of course, is grounds for an all-out war of DNA between people of all races and creeds the world over due to the confusion over who, or what, is really pure.

“This bacteria study really separates the men from the boys,” explained local skinhead Trent Geiger. “Anyone can hate someone that looks different, talks different, or has a different opinion on the additions to the Star Wars trilogy, but it takes a true dedication of hatred to hate people because of some shit in your body that you can’t see.”

Unfortunately, not all racists feel such dedication. Ku Klux Klan scientists are well under-way with creating a mobile blood-testing kit, to help hate-mongers detect people with different bacterial strains by administering a blood test before lynching them.

Written by Patrick AE

Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man…. When he isn’t writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from bloodthirsty seals, and other activities that could be truths or lies, he’s probably writing at The Critics Den, Sports Jeer, or CBS’ Man Cave Daily.

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Category: National

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