New York, NY: Drugs; prostitution; public urination. These are just a few of the activities that made the Times Square of the past so interesting. Sometimes all three activities could happen at the same time, as a crackhead may offer you the sexual favor of a golden shower right in the middle of the sidewalk, pee on you whether or not you agreed, and rob you.
So when former president Bill Clinton mentioned that the Times Square of the past was “romantic, fascinating”, most of the public agreed.
“Romantic? Fascinating? Of course it was,” stated 60 year old native New Yorker Trent Gilbright. “The stories I have from the 70s and 80s could fill a book. Which is exactly what I have been planning to do for the past 10 years.”
“Fortunately, others have beat Mr. Gilbright to the punch,” stated Literary Studies professor Robert Hastings. “Poets such as Jim Carroll incorporated the decadence of the times in their writing, while authors such as Don DeLillo’s Great Jones Street and Jay McInerney’s Bright Lights, Big City used the time and place as a location for their characters’ metamorphoses.”
When asked what any of that meant, Professor Hastings replied, “In dumb-ass terms, it means they were inspired.”
However, inspiration isn’t enough for some critics to give Clinton credit for trying to be poetic in his references. “Romantic? Fascinating? That doesn’t come close to describing Times Square in the 70s and 80s,” stated Pastor Michael Flanagan. “Dirty? Smelly? Demon-spawned succubi infested? That sounds more correct.”
The definition of the terms has become a focal point of whether or not Clinton was reminiscing about the excitement of the times, or if he just had not had sex in a while, and the idea of hookers grabbed his…attention.
“Those were fascinating and romantic times. They were memorable,” explained Professor Hastings. “Getting your junk grabbed by a half-dressed transvestite wearing a Ronald Reagan mask on the sidewalk? That’s memorable. Paying $50.00 to have a picture of you and your family flashed up on the Titantron for a whole 3 seconds through a feed from The Disney Store? Not so memorable.”
When asked if he considered old Times Square safe and fun, Professor Hastings replied, “Of course not. The city was even nuttier back then. But romantic and fascinating does not mean safe and fun. You want safe and fun? Watch a fucking episode of Leave It to Beaver.”