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Born Again Roethlisberger Says No to Living with Fiancee, Yes to Hookers

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Pittsburgh, PA: In one of the clearest signs yet of Ben Roethlisberger’s futile attempts to change his reputation, the Steelers quarterback has told a Pittsburgh newspaper that his new religious beliefs preclude him from living with his fiancée, even though she still works as an escort.

Roethlisberger told Ed Bouchette of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that his fiancée, Ashley Harlan, lives at home with her parents, who have allowed her to use their residence for her burgeoning career as a cheap escort (using her parents home cuts down on costs). Since this is how she met Ben, it is thought that continuing to work as an escort will keep the marriage fresh so that Ben won’t be tempted to cheat for a least a few months.

In addition to that, the couple’s religious faith and beliefs are being given as the reasons for not living together until marriage, though everyone knows this is patently ridiculous.

Even still, just saying that out loud is quite a change for Roethlisberger, who developed a reputation as a womanizer over the first six seasons of his NFL career and who has twice been accused of sexual assault, and is known to have a penchant for young, extremely inebriated and not very bright women.

Now Roethlisberger says he’s a changed man, born again in fact (he’s a very large newborn) although he knows some people (‘some’ in this case meaning all) are skeptical of how much he has really changed.

“People will always have opinions of everybody and me, and that’s fine, they’re entitled,” Roethlisberger said, stating the obvious, while drinking some red wine, explaining that it represents the lord’s blood. “But people who know her, know me, know us . . . people can say that it is whatever, but people who know and can see and are around us and know me, know that it’s something special when you find that person, and I’m extremely lucky.” Interestingly, Rothlisberger somehow believed people could understand this incoherent babble.

Roethlisberger’s wedding is scheduled for July 23. He says Harlan hopes the lockout will delay the start of training camp just long enough for a honeymoon.

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