Bronx, NY: Major League Baseball reared its ugly, prejudiced head yesterday in a way that would make even the great Jackie Robinson blush. The discrimination was not against color, nor creed, nor class. It was merely based on fat-assness, as the New York Yankees #40 baseball jersey for Bartolo Colon was blocked from being sold, both as a player jersey and a personalized jersey.
“I was in tears when I found out,” explained our own editor, Patrick Emmel. “I went to Dick’s Sporting Goods website and keyed in the info to have a Colon replica jersey made, and all I got was a message saying ‘your current entry cannot be processed. Some entries are prohibited‘ staring me in the face.”
“Why wouldn’t they let me take pride in my new favorite pitcher? I love that fat, marshmallow bastard!” Mr. Emmel further stated.
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig had a solid, if not disgusting, explanation. “We honestly did it to protect Bartolo. There are too many people out there that would mock that chunky blimp of a man by donning his jersey and stuffing it with pillows in order to be cute,” Selig explained. “Who can possibly be a real fan of that chubby mess? He’s a god-damn relief pitcher to boot!”
Long-time fashion designer and seamstress Calvin Klein had another theory. “In retail, demand dictates price. I think what they are trying to do is create a buzz in the public for what the public cannot have,” stated Mr. Klein. “Then, when the public is absolutely crazy for Bartolo Colon jerseys, I, I mean, they will release their line of expensive XXL-only #40 jerseys with built-in manssiere. It will be the fashion fad of the millenia! Or at least this season of baseball.”
Many critics of baseball in general have applauded MLB’s decision to block Colon jerseys from being sold. “Baseball players are normally called athletes with tongue in cheek,” explained sports columnist Jack Schrader. “But a 500 pound Pillsbury Doughboy in pin-striped pajamas while throwing a ball, calling him an athlete is just too much.”
Commissioner Bud Selig has explained that, if Bartolo Colon can make it from the dug-out to the pitcher’s mound in 4 consecutive innings without heavy-breathing, he would consider allowing his jersey to be purchased by the public.