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Supermoon Terrorizes East Coast

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New York, NY:  Tragedy struck this past weekend, as that orbiting chunk of rock, the moon, came a whole 2 inches closer to the Earth than usual. The proximity caused a rippling effect of disasters, as supermoon sightings caused havoc down the East Coast.

From approximately 6:37PM to as late as 1:07AM, travellers, specifically down I-95, were more than likely subjected to the supermoon while they were driving. Presumably, the magnetic attraction of eyes to moon caused drivers to stop paying attention to the roads, causing over 1,300 fender-benders down the interstate and surrounding roads.

Three victims even died, according to coroner reports of heart failure during the span of time that the supermoon was at its most visible.

“I don’t usually listen to that end of the world crap and how the world is going to kill us off with natural disasters,” explained local New Yorker Kyle Stanton. “This supermoon got me believing, tho. I saw it. It was like a giant, glowing double pillow, leaving a path of destruction and pained expressions as it passed me. I literally became nauseous. That’s how powerful those magnetic fields were!”

Lunar scientist Dr. Daniel Hufflepot was not surprised by the effects. “In its normal state, a moon is able to be dismissed because of its distance. The effects are less noticeable. But a supermoon is right in your face, and being so close to the bumps and crevices and strands is enough to effect anyone. I saw the supermoon, and I survived, but my psyche may need months of therapy to fix the effects of those rounded magnetic fields.”

Other survivors of the supermoon could barely speak of their harrowing tales. “I was waiting on a ticket line at the movie theater when it happened,” stated New Jersey native Denise DiGano. “All of a sudden, people started dropping like flies right in line. I turned to where they all had looked, and there it was: a fat, glowing mess of a moon. When I came to, paramedics already had me on a stretcher.”

While the supermoon atrocities may be over for now, there may be more in a few years. The next supermoon sighting is slated for November 14, 2016. When asked how the United States may protect itself from the supermoon, President Barack Obama stated, “We were unprepared this time, but next time we will overcome the supermoon. Right now our top scientific minds are watching Armageddon over and over again. With time, America will have a perfect defense to any supermoon that we come across.”

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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