Hollywood/Chicago: The beat goes on for Charlie Sheen. Now content with taking only the drug known as ‘Charlie Sheen’, Sheen has traded his addiction to drugs and hookers in for an addiction to caffeine and further lunacy.

In a play on his now infamous quote, “duh, winning”, Charlie Sheen has embarked on the next phase of his career, this time as a celebrity barista to the stars. Using Chicago as headquarters serves a dual purpose. He can play off of the phrase ‘duh, winning’ in Chicago by calling his café Da Winning Café & Coffeehouse, using the well known ‘Da’ word fragment to phonetically sound like ‘duh’ while also appealing to Chicago Bears fans by appropriating a word fragment most associated with Chicagoans as a Chicago Bears euphemism (Da Bears).

Sheen is proud to be a part of “da winningest coffeehouse in Chi town!” When asked what kind of reception he expects from his coffeehouse, h,e of course, replied, “Chi-winning!”

Celebrity patrons expected to be at the grand opening include John Malkovich, Bill Hader, Kenny Rogers, Winona Ryder, Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and David Duchovny, among other Hollywood eccentrics and paranoids. A special guest appearance via satellite will be made by Randy Quaid who remains a refugee on the run, now reportedly from Heffalumps and Woozles made famous from the classic Pooh books and now, according to Quaid, messianic assassins employed by the CIA and disguised as hybrid demonic elephant/rhinoceroses with wings.

Sheen was kind enough to provide The Inept Owl with a sample menu, which remains a work in progress. Forgoing the usual coffee menu which he describes as “basically for trolls and boring”, he sent along his specialty: animal blood –

Da Winning Café & Coffeehouse


Body fluids for the Winning Warrior and Warlock:


Lion’s Blood – a winning combination of lion’s blood and agave nectar. Yummy!

Tiger’s Blood – a pleasing to the palate winning combination of tiger’s blood and aspartame. Tart and tangy!

Hyena Blood – a very amusing combination of hyena blood and high fructose corn syrup. Perfect for kids!

Boa Blood – the best blood for your boa, this combination of boa blood and Viagra will give rise to many solid possibilities for winning!

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