Aries

ARIES

   An uncomfortable situation this morning could escalate if you let it, but you are far better off just walking away.

   Or in the event that it’s not your bed, running away with the bare essentials.

 


Taurus

TAURUS

You can get pretty jealous when the mood hits you, and today it might be heading your way at great speed!

   This can be especially anxiety-ridden if it’s Redskins player Albert Haynesworth, for all parties.

 


Gemini

GEMINI

   You have a hard time just going along with other people’s demands today. Luckily, that middle finger is a great way to answer those demands.

 

 

 

 

 


Cancer

CANCER

   Get back to the basics today. Tone it down and remember that sometimes less in more.

   Even if those “sometimes” only relate to golf, parking tickets, and STDs.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Leo

LEO

   Your internal dialogue is silent. Kind of like Jack Black’s inward singing, but a lot less awesome.

 

 

 

 


Virgo

VIRGO

   Trying for something possibly unattainable will do you good. If it doesn’t happen, at least you will learn from your failures.

   Which is why I continue to try to get Kate Beckinsale to divorce her husband and sleep with me.

 

 

 


Libra

LIBRA

   Trust someone with your feelings today — the good, the bad, and the vulnerable. Maybe Clint Eastwood is available.

 

 

 

 

 


Scorpio

SCORPIO

   Spend more time with less conventional people and give yourself some surprises.

   But be warded: those surprises could be finding yourself dressed like a Dutch milkmaid on a sex-slave junk ship headed to Nova Scotia.

 

 

 

 


Sagittarius

 SAGITTARIUS

   Making a new beginning in an old situation isn’t always easy to do. Just look at what George Lucas did to the Star Wars franchise? I can’t even get a DVD of Episodes IV, V, and VI without ridiculous scene changes and CGI crap.

 

 

 

 


Capricorn

CAPRICORN

   Socializing is enhanced today, and you can have a great time while advancing one or more of your interests.

   If your interests only involve stamp-collecting, selling items on eBay, and masturbation, socializing may be a bit out of reach.

 

 

 

 


Aquarius

AQUARIUS

   If you’re down now, you don’t have to stay down. You’re able to rise. Unless SHE says to stay down, and get cancer in your larynx. You do what ya gotta do…

 

 

 

 

 


Pisces

PISCES

It’ss harder than usual for you to reach decisions today, but it’s not because you’re uninformed. Quite the opposite, really. You know everything. Everyone else is just uninformed.