Pittsburgh, PA: Hines Ward, Steelers wide receiver and the man long recognized as the village idiot of Pittsburgh, suddenly stopped smiling this morning after realizing that his team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, lost Super Bowl XLV. Fans have been wondering what took so long for the realization to set in.
According to Mike Tomlin, the 38-year-old coach of Pittsburgh Steelers, Ward simply “refused to believe his own lying eyes. It took pinky swears from the whole team for him to finally believe that we were telling the truth.”
While his teammates flew home in complete and shocked silence, Ward, ever the team’s jester, proceeded to let loose with the sort of “knock knock” jokes one would hear at a four-year-old’s birthday party. The team, in a sour mood, refused to laugh at any of the jokes. Ward, undaunted and used to being the object of scorn and ridicule, merely continued, unabated, until the plane landed in the Steel City.
“Why you no laugh at my jokes?” he asked, smiling.
Finally, just before the plane descended, Tomlin pulled Ward aside and attempted to explain the truth. Ward refused to accept what his coach was saying and forced the entire team to pinky swear. When they were done, it happened.
Ward stopped smiling. Thirty seconds passed while the team waited.
“We thought maybe he understood, man,” said James Harrison, considered to be the second stupidest player on the team. “Like, yo, maybe Hines gets it, dude.”
However, according to Tomlin, the smile soon returned and the humorless jokes resumed. The team let out a collective sigh of frustration.
“He may be an idiot, but he’s our idiot,” said Tomlin, a tear in his right eye.