Philadelphia, PA: For those in the Northern parts of the hemisphere that are sick of the snow, the ice, the cold, and the idiotic drivers that come out during this weather, there is good news about this wintery season.
Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog of revelation, left his hole this morning, slipped on the ice, crashed head-first into a tree, and didn’t see his shadow in the frozen tundra that is now Gobbler’s Knob. This promises an early end to the Winter, and a speedy arrival for Spring.
According to American folklore, if the rodent sees his shadow, then the country can expect six more weeks of winter. If he does not, then spring is on the way.
“When Phil came out and stayed, I was elated!” exclaimed a frost-bitten Luke Webber, spokesman for the Groundhog club that takes care of the animal when not predicting the weather. “I knew that this arctic chill wouldn’t last, so I immediately started stripping off my clothing.”
Surprisingly, over three-quarters of the audience in attendance followed suit, creating the largest group of naked people since the Coney Island Polar Bear Club first formed in 1903. Not surprisingly, the scene was not a pretty sight, as most attendees were age 65 and older. Some of the more athletic attendees tried diving into the local lake to cool down from the fast-approaching Spring, gaining concussions as a result of hitting their heads on the ice-encased water.
Skiers in the Pennsylvanian regions of Camelback and the Poconos began cancelling their trips for President’s Week due to the forecasting. “President’s Week is right on the cusp of early Spring,” stated Manhattan resident Miles Ackerman. “I’m not going to risk the possibility of no snows and 75 degree weather when that little groundhog says, ‘No way.’ I don’t want those time-share points to go to waste.”
The most happiest to hear the groundhog news were residents of Dallas, Texas. “Thank God! I thought this ice storm was going to ruin the Super Bowl for us,” exclaimed local yahoo Bud Savage. “Bring on the tailgatin!”
It should be known that during the time that Groundhog Day has been recognized, Punxsutawney Phil has been correct in his predictions 39% of the time, beating most meteorologists by 85%.