It seems that the kids here in the UK have a drinking problem: they’re pouring alcohol into their eyes. This activity, known as ‘Vodka eyeballing’ is fast becoming a firm favorite with the British student population, who believe that the alcohol will be absorbed directly into the blood-stream, leading to a much faster hit than the traditional ‘down the throat’ method.

This is not only dangerous, leading to terminal stupidity and possible blindness, but more importantly, it just doesn’t work !

One of the geniuses behind the fad. He was later admitted to St. Mary's Hospital for disintegrating his iris.

The big issue is that most people just don’t have big enough eyes to absorb the amount of alcohol needed for a decent hit. Actually, the really big issue is that these people may one day have children, and this is a huge blow to any theory of Evolution over Creationism, but that is another story altogether.

One of the fears from doctors is that this activity may lead to harder things, ultimately Flaming Sambuca eyeballing, which is never going to be a pretty sight, but until then here’s my top tips for alternative alcohol ingestion methods.

Baileys Nosing – Also known as ‘The Winter Cold’, this should leave the user with a nice trail dribbling down the face.

Brandy Legging– This can be done with any open wound, although the leg is a lot easier to remove if it all goes horribly wrong: after all, you always have a spare.

Beer Arm – This one needs some specialty equipment, namely a one pint syringe. The skill here is in getting rid of all the bubbles prior to injection.

Egg Nog Anus – Please remove the egg shells first, and do NOT serve ice cold.

Guinness Moustache – This is NOT a recommended method, just an observation on hair-lipped blokes. Wipe it off , damm you !

Coc Au Vin – Sorry, I don’t speak French, but it sounds disgusting – I mean, people have to DRINK out of that glass !