ARIES
You’re not feeling totally comfortable with today’s big activities, but that doesn’t mean you get to walk away from them. You get to run, as fast as you can! Throw some marbles on the ground behind you while you’re at it!
TAURUS
You may not be proud of your feelings today, but you sure can’t deny them. Or you could be like Ed Wood and make a whole movie about your feelings; in his case, cross-dressing.
GEMINI
You’re feeling somewhat more willful than usual today. This could lead to trouble at the workplace and in relationships, especially if your normally on the receiving end of whips and bondage…in the workplace, or relationships.
CANCER
You need to avoid the temptation to ignore your gut instincts and follow the flow today. Especially if you’ve been eating chili this week. Chili leads you on the wrong path in so many ways.
LEO
If you are looking for a sign that you are progressing, just look in the mirror.
That is, until you get to be my age. Then you’re just deteriorating.
VIRGO
If you run into a roadblock, you know you need to find a detour. Unfortunately, this snow makes detours really bad if you don’t have snow tires. You ever try to make a 3-point turn in a snowed in road after meeting a road-block? No, you don’t. There is no try. You’re stuck. End of story.
LIBRA
Ask for all the help you need today. You might get more than you bargained for, like a restraining order for badgering the wrong people for help with certain situations. True story…
SCORPIO
If you have seen changes in a friend, let them know you noticed. Or else they may end up passing out naked in your backyard after every full moon, shrugging their shoulders while you hand them a bathrobe and a stick of deoderant.
SAGITTARIUS
Today is a good day to separate the good people in your life from the bad people. If you are one of the bad people yourself, well, then you really don’t have to do anything, because you’re already ruining someone else’s good time.
CAPRICORN
You’ve got all the data you need, so go ahead and make that big decision: big-ass tires. If you drive a station wagon or economy car, your cool points will quadruple. Trust me. I know style.
AQUARIUS
You are feeling somewhat ambivalent about a new opportunity — but don’t dismiss it out of hand! Just think how Macaulay Culkin would have turned out if he dismissed being cast for The Good Son, or how much more boring Perez Hilton would be if he was a dainty gay guy that didn’t draw jizz-squirts on celebrity pictures.
PISCES
You are lucky. Look at your life as an outsider and you will appreciate it more. Unless you are a homeless quadriplegic with AIDs that has just been bitten by a Black Mamba. Then, you’re allowed to sulk.