Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! 

It’s the Conference Championships! The winners go to the Super Bowl! The losers go to the Pro Bowl! Tom Brady will finally fix his foot that has been ailing him since 2001! This is football!




Sunday, January 23rd, 2011





Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Packers (GNB) by 4

Darby Shaw: Legendary teams, oldest rivalry, blah blah blah. Whoever wins this game gets a trophy named after the founder of the Bears, and then will play for the trophy named after the legendary Packers coach. I’m sure that means something, but I don’t know what the hell it is. All I know is that I hate that frat-boy, douche-nozzle Jay Cutler, and I hope he has a diabetes attack during the game. Pick: Packers-WIN

Rick BernardoThe NFC has been a bona fide Spanish soap opera all season long. So the fact that it’s Packers versus Bears with a rivalry as old as football, Rodgers versus Cutler for that final ticket-punch to the Super Bowl, Wisconsin versus Illinois for the claim of coldest tundra, we could have exchanged any team in the NFC and this game would be as intense. And Bob Marley’s family probably got a good chunk of change from all the stadium sound-board techs picking up the rights to “Redemption Song”.  Pick: Bears-LOSS

 Steve Elle: The oldest rivalry in the NFL, the most storied series in NFL history, blah, blah, blah. I actually don’t think this game will be competitive beyond the first quarter. The equalizer will be the field conditions. If it’s a sloppy field this obviously plays far more into the Bears strengths. The Packers passing game relies upon precise routes and speed. If this is nullified and the playing field is evened the Bears have a shot. But I think Rodgers outslings Cutler, who is far more prone to error. If the Packers can muster a running game at all and their big play defense can make a few big plays the Packers could romp.. Pick: Packers-WIN

 Rob Wheatley: This week, my picks are sponsored by Pispour Non-alcoholic Wines, and their slogan “I can’t believe I’m still sober.”
Now I KNOW I wasn’t gonna do any more anagrams, but it is almost the last week and I just noticed Bears contains the word Arse..so if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em (I can’t believe I’m still sober). Packers contain the letters to make Craps, so is it Arse or Crap that will be kicked in or out of to or even for one of these teams? Yes, probably. Pick: Packers-WIN






New York Jets @ Pittsburgh Steelers

LINE: Steelers (PIT) by 4

Darby Shaw: Part of me kind of hopes that the Jets win, if only because I want to see a terrified Sal Paolantonio have to interview a vaguely-rabid Bart Scott one more time. That was the most entertaining 45 seconds of television I’ve ever seen. However, I feel as though the Steelers are the Team of Destiny this season… and it’s all due to Troy Polamalu’s “Head and Shoulders” commercials. They may not have the awesomeness of Ray Lewis’ Old Spice commercials, or the brilliance of the Peyton Manning Sony “bubble wrap” spot, but Troy’s poly-fro takes the cake. Pick: Steelers-WIN

Rick Bernardo: It’s hard to tell which quarterback will be able find a way past the other team’s defense. Sure, Roethlisberger has an unorthodox way of playing, but against the Patriots’ young defense, there is an element of do or die for both teams. In the same tone, Tom Brady’s precision passing is quite a match-up for the Steelers’ razor-sharp defensive backs. I predict…oh yeah, this is Steelers versus JETS! You all can suck it. Pick: Jets-LOSS

Steve Elle: It’s kind of funny seeing the Jets play nice this week with the far meaner Steelers. The Jets know they’re going to get punched in the mouth. Certainly they will punch back. So if we’re using boxing euphemisms this might be akin to Ali/Frazier. I think the Steelers are Ali. And the Jets? Frazier. Well, Leslie Frazier. Pretty feet, that Leslie. Pick: Steelers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: What ? There’s two games on this weekend ? How am I meant to comment on two games on this Pispour Wine ? I need a certain amount of ‘Grape Inertia’ to get this done. Anyway, at this late stage in the 2011 season, I’m a little unsure if I can maintain this high level of insight, and more to the point all that Non-alcoholic wine has drained my very will to live. Aah, hang on, I just found a bottle of ‘the good stuff’….ooh, a nice Australian Shiraz, hints of berry and black pepper with a soft Oak finish…just another glass…or two….Right, NOW where was I…Hey Jets, them Steelers gonna rip you a new one !  Pick: Steelers-WIN 






This Week

Darby Shaw: 2-0

Rick Bernardo: 0-2

Steve Elle: 2-0

Rob Wheatley: 2-0


Steve Elle: 154-112

Rob Wheatley: 148-118

Darby Shaw: 144-122

Rick Bernardo: 143-123

By FascistEditor

As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.