Tucson, AZ: Chivalry may be dead, but that doesn’t stop some women from reciprocating with their own form of chivalry, even if that means fighting through an induced coma and morphine drip.
During the tragic shooting in front of a local Tucson supermarket in which six people, including a federal judge and a 9-year-old girl, were killed and 13 others wounded, congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was struck in the head by one of the bullets. She was rushed to the hospital and has been in the ICU ever since. Fortunately, things are improving, so much so that she has re-acclimated herself to wifely duties for her husband, Captain Mark Kelly. At the moment, sources say this is limited to back rubs.
“It’s a little uncomfortable, yeah,” explained Capt. Kelly. “Here she[Gabrielle] is, laying in a hospital bed with her head bandaged up, groggy from surgery, and she’s loosening up my tie, popping my shirt-collar, tickling my neck, and then…a back rub. It’s the biggest tease ever, and believe me, in 15 years of marriage, there have been quite a few.”
While Capt. Kelly may be suffering through the ill effects of the progress his wife has made during her coma, many of the male populace are astonished that Ms. Giffords would even bother, considering her current state. “Are you kidding me? The woman gets shot in the head, and starts giving her husband back rubs?” exclaimed local resident Brian McKenzie. “I’ve been married to a healthy woman for 10 years, and haven’t gotten a back rub since our honeymoon.”
Even most women are astonished by the fact that Ms. Giffords would even think about giving her husband a back rub in her hospitalized state. “It’s a cultural norm that men are supposed to keep their women from getting shot in the head,” explained anthropologist Jennifer Rixson. “We get shot, you men fail in your duty, and it’s sayonara to back rubs or anything else, even after we’ve healed.”
Some men, however, applauded Ms. Giffords on her loyalty to her husband. “I think it’s a true testament to her character,” stated local idiot Paul Emmerlan. “I mean, there she[Giffords] is, laying around all day while her husband has to go out and speak on Oprah, 60 minutes, and answer a thousand questions over and over again to reporters. Who else but Capt. Kelly should be getting a back rub?”
*Inspired content and banter provided by La Princessa*